


Stand on your own feet

by mistycolors



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Neil likes to cook, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Kevin/Jean, Past Rape/Non-con, everyone is happy, except for Riko, he can burn in hell for all i care, implied break up, talks of past abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-08-10 11:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7842355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistycolors/pseuds/mistycolors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Rikos death, Kevin is left facing what it means to no longer be part of a matching set. Because of a mix up in the rooming situation, kevin is left on his own away from Andrew for the first time. He has to learn to cope and deal with his own problems without having to rely on someone. mixed with uncooperative new teammates, internal friction,the tabloids exploiting Rikos death and harassing him, and the upperclassmen trying to be his friends. Kevin's world could not get worse, but maybe there is an upside as Kevin learns to heal himself and maybe, just maybe, accept his feelings for a certain defensive player.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You were fucked up by the blame

**Author's Note:**

> hey so this is my first time writing a fic so go easy on me.  
> this is my own take on what would happen after the kings men so don't shoot me.  
> All characters belong to Nora no copyright intended this is just my own personnel take.  
> the tags will be updated as the story continues.  
> this isn't beta'd

He breathed in deep, in through his nose and out through his mouth as he considered the events about to unfold before him. It was already august. Time seemed to go by too quick and not quick enough. Kevin stood on the front of Abby’s porch waiting for the rest of the group to meander out onto the porch and, lug there giant suitcases into the back of a rental car.

Normally they would use Andrews but, after Nicky declared his car too small to fit their suitcases and sexuality issues, one out of many jokes throughout the day, they thought it best to just separate the group before Andrew pulled a knife on him again. 

“He was right about one thing though” Kevin thought to himself “I don’t know how we would fit all of our things into the back of Andrews car”. Ever since Andrew came back with the new car the gang already had a hard time getting everyone from Abby’s, to the court, and Eden’s. 

The sun beat down on them as they grunted and lifted everything they would need into the back of the truck. A bead of sweat rolled down his brow as he reached up his hand to wipe it away. His hand connected with his cheek, freezing as he touched his tattoo. Even though it had been months, the ghost of Riko still haunted him. He would wake up in cold sweats breath stolen from his lungs as he scratched at his tattoo trying to rip it off before Riko punished him. It still took him five minutes every morning to calm down and remember he was free. “Riko is dead, I am no longer at Evermore, I am safe.”

His mantra was the only thing keeping him from loosing his mind. His eyes started to loose focus before Nicky nudged him trying to get his attention. The world came back into focus, he realized Nicky had been talking to him for a while. Nicky looked at him hesitantly, “Kev are you okay you just spaced out there for a minute.” Nicky’s eyes drifted towards his hand still resting on his cheek. Kevin ripped his hand down and started walking knocking into his shoulder, “ I told you not to call me that! Don’t you have to call Erik or something? He actually wants to talk to you.” He grumbled out as he fast walked to the car.  
“Oh Keeev!” Nicky called dragging out the ‘E’ “your so mean to meeeee!!!” Sometimes Kevin wondered if Nicky ever stopped being dramatic. Nicky draped himself against Aaron, wrapping his arms around his shorter cousin, much to Aarons protest. 

“Why, is he so mean to me? Its like we aren’t even friends!! Like our special nights after Eden’s when we shared a bed means nothing!!” Nicky sniffed wiping at his eyes to sell it. Aaron pushed him off growling and grumbling about the homosexuals taking over. Nicky was not deterred by Aaron’s blatant homophobia and followed after Kevin as he climbed into the front seat of Andrews’s car. Andrew coolly looked over as Nicky tried to climb through the open window to continue their conversation. Nicky stopped with his head half in the window his sentence dying on his lips. “You know what. Uhh I value life so uhh… lets continue this later…” Nicky stuttered as he backtracked so fast he almost hit his head.

Andrew barley paid him any mind as he peeled out of the driveway at his usual break neck speed. It was getting worse; this wasn’t the first time Kevin had “disassociated” as Thea used to say. It was starting to scare him, it kept happening and soon someone would notice. Nicky may act ditzy but he was smart and Kevin couldn’t take that chance. He had to be more careful and get his problems under control. Kevin didn’t want to be such an asshole though; it was just a defense mechanism. It was easier for him to pretend like he didn’t care and detach himself from people so it would hurt less in the long run.

No one wanted to have to deal with the real Kevin, sure fans loved him but they wouldn’t really ever know him. He has worn a mask for so long, he’s still not sure what the real Kevin would be like. Riko always told him “No one cares who the fuck you are Kevin, your just a number; a replaceable useless waste of space who is only here because my father took pity on your whore of a mother.” He had spent years trying to prove him wrong, being the perfect player, shining but never overpowering Riko, and now with him gone he was lost sent adrift on an empty ocean of anxiety.

“Breathe, Kevin, Riko is dead, I am no longer at Evermore, I am safe.” He focused out the window as the campus rolled by. Neil filled the silence by chatting away about exy and the upcoming season with the new recruits. For once Kevin didn’t care, he didn’t care about statistics, new drills they could run, or what they should focus on this year.

All he could think about was who he was. When you strip away the person he pretends to be. Who is he without Exy? without his winning smile and charming personality? But going down that road is bad for his mental state and the Foxes cant afford for him to be compromised.  
He listened in paying attention as Neil, started talking about a play that they should practice tonight. He nodded responding at the appropriate time, acting like he was taught to, meanwhile his mind just teetered between apprehension and full out meltdown. They pulled into the stadium parking lot as the car swung into a spot.  
They were all told to meet here to discuss rooming situations, training schedule, and important announcements about the upcoming season. Kevin wished they could just skip the whole meet and greet and play date.

He wasn’t ready to see the upperclassmen yet, after the end of school last year they left on what some might call friendly terms but he doubted it would continue this year. Before they had a common enemy to unite them but now they would go back to bickering, fighting, and ignoring each other. Not that Kevin cared or anything, don’t get him wrong, it was nice talking strategies with them and the team finally worked as one but, they where all to fractured and messed up to truly ever trust each other enough to actually sit and try the whole friendship thing.

He also doubted the twins to ever actually care about them or voluntarily hang out with him. Neil could try and persuade Andrew, but even Andrew was less willing to trust anyone after all of Neil’s dirty laundry was hung to dry, and Kevin didn’t do anything that Andrew wasn’t doing. Even with the imminent threat gone Kevin, was too dependent on Andrew to let him out of his sight. Who knew if Ichirou decided to change his mind and decide Jean, Kevin, and Neil weren’t worth enough to be kept alive. But thinking that way was bad for his focus, he needed to be on top of his game today.

“Don’t show any weakness. Be the Kevin they want you to be. You don’t need to make friends, just get them play as a team and give it their best.” He reminded himself as he climbed out of the car and fell in line with Andrew and Neil. They marched toward the doors each with different feelings about their impeding reunion with their teammates: Neil with a pinched look of excitement and worry, Andrew had his usual indifferent/bored look on his face as if he didn’t give, which Kevin assumed he probably didn’t, and him. He smoothed his expression into his usual look that relayed how above this entire thing he is.

He was determined to not show any fear even though his stomach rolled at the thought of all the bad things that could happen this season, starting with Neil not being able to play and ending with an apocalypse. But he wouldn’t dwell he was done with being a coward and weak. He had already shown too much last year, he was determined to keep his mask firmly in place, he couldn’t afford not too. Neil unlocked the door twirling his keys afterwards rubbing along the grooves. It was a bad habit Kevin noticed he did whenever he was unsure of himself. 

Neil stopped suddenly “ What if they don’t like me? What if they don’t want me as a vice captain? What if…” he trailed off. Andrew heaved a heavy annoyed sigh. “Oh Abram, what happened to that confidence earlier. Is this whole stupid stick ball thing worth it.” Kevin rolled his eyes right as Neil side eyed Andrew ignoring him in favor of walking the rest of the way by himself, and opening the door into the lounge. He still didn’t understand their relationship, and he didn’t think he ever would.

“Well then, after you your highness” Andrew said dryly as Kevin walked through the open door. Even though he was here yesterday, everything looked different with more people in it. He walked in as a chorus of “Neil” rang out as Dan trapped Neil in a death hug rattling off about her road trip she took with Allison and Renee. As his eyes swept around the room Renee sidled up to Andrew to ask him how his summer went. After two years he still never got their weird friendship. There were many things about Andrew he didn’t get. 

He scanned the new crowd taking in the newbies: 2 new strikers including the one Neil wanted and 1 offensive dealer and 1 defensive player. As he sized up the new teammates none too impressed a giant hand wrapped around his shoulder as Matt entered his personnel space.  
“Day, its good to see YOU are still a ray of sunshine. And it even looks like the summer hasn’t managed to sour your stunning personality.” Matt joked still letting his giant hand rest on Kevin’s shoulder as Kevin frowned at the proximity of another person in his space. 

A weird but nice feeling crept up from his stomach, but as soon as he felt it he yanked his shoulder free from Matts too warm grip. “Boyd” he said putting as little emotion and as much space between them as he could. Matts face made a weird expression at the distance between them but before he could decipher it Nicky flounced into his peripheral vision with an obscene moan as he molested Matts arm. 

“Maaaatt” he breathed. “ Have you been working out? I can’t believe this, its not fair to us mere mortals to have to look at this picture of perfection and not even get to touch. You are just like Kevin both taken by a deadly she-beast” Nicky continued stroking his shoulder and ghosting his hands over his chest. 

Now that he mentioned it “Matt did look A little more muscular and his white wife beater did nothing to hide his beautifully sculpt-.” Kevin shut that thought off quickly. What was wrong with him, he knows what happens when he starts thinking like that. 

He stepped back further and casted his eyes off to the side avoiding looking at him directly. This was a dangerous thing that Kevin knew better than to indulge in. As Nicky continued his rant “Speaking of the slave driver where is she and how does she not die from looking at your muscular chest every time. Man I would love to switch spots with her!!” Nicky scanned the crowd searching for Dan. Matt made an uncomfortable cough and looked uneasy “Uhh…actually we kinda ummm... Well you see we bro”- he was cut off as Wymack chose that moment to get everyone’s attention. 

“Listen up!!! This isn’t book club; there is no time for us to trade recipes and gossip. Shut up and sit down!!!” he shouted, immediately everyone took a seat the upperclassmen taking the couch Nicky and Aaron taking the chairs and Kevin, Andrew, and Neil taking the couch in that order. The newbies starred on confused as to where to sit. “Look sit on the floor, we will rearrange later.” Wymack huffed as the newbies sat down awkwardly. 

“Now you all know how this works, until September we have practice starting at 9 at the gym, then from 1-3 and 5-8 here, if you come here instead of the gym I promise you will not touch a ball until October. Now newbs listen up you are each getting assigned a teammate with the same position as you to show you the ropes. But don’t expect them to hold your hand and wipe your ass. If you have any questions or concerns ask them but do it on your own time and if you need emotional support go to Betsy, don’t come to me. I am your coach not your mommy is that clear?” Coach paused before continuing. “Speaking of Betsy, you all are required to see her once a semester, if you don’t see her you don’t play. Also before you leave you must see Abby to get checked off.” 

“Minyard don’t even try to skip out this time and make sure Josten doesn’t either or else I’m revoking your key privileges” he gave a pointed look to Andrew and Neil. Andrew just ignored him finding more interest in cleaning his nails with a knife he pulled from his bands. Neil nodded for both of them answering with a neat “yes, coach.”  
“And Goddammit Andrew put the knife away, there will be no stabbing accidents this year, and stop scaring Bates!!” Bates or more appropriately, Elizabeth Bates, was the striker that Neil just had to have. She was looking a little green around the gills as Andrew just gave her a bored look as he slid the blade slowly back into his bands. “Uh I don’t think you’re allowed to-” the new dealer, Blake Adams, decided to add before Wymack interrupted him before things could escalate.

“Peachy, now that that’s over, I have big news to tell you that you might not like. Because of our new team size, we had to make some new arrangements to who’s rooming with whom. SO… here it is, Reynolds, Bates, Wilds, and Walker you get the room of four. Unfortunately that means we had to split up the boys. I tried to go with the most unproblematic set up I could think of, but some of you are not going to be happy campers.” 

His eyes glanced over to Andrew. Kevin felt a sinking feeling of dread. Wymack continued looking as though he was preparing himself for a shit storm. “ Alright so Hemmick, Aaron, and Voss.” Daniel Voss was the new defensive player and did not look too happy to be with one of the twins and Nicky who winked at him and licked his lips. He glanced between the two of them with a look of honest to god fear. 

Kevin felt a fleeting since of empathy, Nicky in himself was hard to handle but paired with Aaron would make one hell of a living situation. Wymack continued. “ Josten, Andrew, and Golaszewski.” Kevin was afraid he had heard wrong. Andrew looked at rapt attention straight at Wymack an icy glare that looked like it could kill. The room fell dead silent as all eyes looked from Kevin and Andrew to Wymack. Kevin felt his world spinning out of control. His lungs felt constricted he couldn’t breathe.

Everything became all too clear then went back to fuzzy as his ears filled with a constant buzzing. He had to get out, a look of betrayal filled his eyes as he struggled to smooth out his expression, but was too late. 

The other side of Kevin was taking over, the one that had needed to drown in a bottle to even be able to face people, and there was nothing that Kevin could do to stop it. All at once he was back in his room at evermore alone cradling his demolished hand all at once he felt like he had nothing. As if a piece of him was being stolen and there was nothing he could do except watch. He felt unsteady as if the ground was snatched up under him. A strangled sound threatened to escape and then all of a sudden Andrew was there. 

Andrew dug his hands into Kevin’s arm as he leaned close to tell Kevin to breathe, and that everything would be okay. But how could it if he wasn’t there to make sure. He had never been less than at least 5 feet from Kevin besides games and, that one-day that Neil needed him more than Kevin did. He needed to get his emotions under control. Kevin fought for each breath as he repeated his mantra in his head. He came to as if surfacing from being underwater fast but slow. 

“What are you playing at. You know that wont work.” Andrew said coldly. Wymack visibly swallowed, the temperature in the room dropped about 20 degrees. “We have no choice it was between Kevin or Neil. Kevin is not alone he will be with Boyd and Adams, your rooms will be right across from each other. It’s the best I could do.” Wymack said trying to not show fear in front of, a close to the edge, Andrew. 

"It will be fine Andrew Kevin will be safe, you don’t have to worry.” Matt tried to add. Andrew turned his glare on Matt. “You don’t talk to me. This is between Wymack and me.” He then focused in on Wymack. “I already told you once don’t make me choose.” Wymack looked helpless as Neil just stared at his hands deep in thought. 

The others looked on in horror; they all knew what Andrew was capable of. The newbies looked on in confusion unsure of what was happening but having enough common sense not to comment. Wymack looked now to Kevin. 

“This is the best I can do, there are no rooms for four without creating uneven number of teammates in a room, and you know you have to have one newbie with one upperclassman. The rooms are right across from each other. Kevin, you have to be on your own sometime.” Wymack looked at Kevin with a meaning look. Andrew butted in. “Don’t you dare. You know exactly what would happen. Kevin don’t listen to him.” 

Andrew looked ready to charge Wymack right then and there if it wasn’t for Neil holding him down with one arm. Kevin looked to Neil cautiously unsure. Neil spoke up in French “Kevin, what do you want. We can fight this but I don’t…” Neil started hesitantly. 

“It would be beneficial we need to strengthen the team but I wont ask you. I know your deal and Andrew wont break his promise. Tell me what you want to do.” Kevin thought about it as Andrew went off in the background at Neil and Wymack.

He knew this was coming and it was childish of him to think that he would always have Andrew to lean on. “I need to let him go”. 

It was a sobering thought and Kevin didn’t want to, but knew he had to. For the teams sake, for Neil’s sake he needed to learn to stand on his own two feet. He had nothing to hold him back now accept his own anxiety. He needed to do this as Neil always said, “When will you stop being a coward”. 

This was his time, getting the tattoo change, breaking all ties with the ravens, and choosing to stay were brave acts, but they meant nothing if he couldn’t be just Kevin. He turned to Neil and in French responded with, “I need him to let me go, make him let me go. This wont mean anything if I cant stand on my own two feet as a free man and fight in my own battles.” 

He pointed to his cheek as he conceded these words. They hurt coming out but he knew they needed to be said. “Please tell him I’m sorry for breaking his promise for him. I will still stand by him but I cant lean on him anymore.” Neil looked shocked before answering “I’m glad you finally grew a backbone.” 

He relayed the message in German as Andrews face darkened and darkened and Nicky gasped in shock “Kevin!” Nicky exclaimed. Andrew grabbed Kevin’s face as Neil finished the message. “I don’t break my promises you know that Day.” “I need this.” Kevin whispered. 

Andrew stared for a minute longer pinching Kevin’s face before finding what he was looking for. “I don’t have time for this stupid drunken display of courage. But ill play along.” This was the best Kevin would get from Andrew. 

He took his victory but it had a bitter taste to it. “Is it settled” Wymack asked. “Kevin’s decided to be a big boy and leave his crib behind. But it’s your fault if he dies from Alcohol poisoning. I’m not supplying his addiction anymore.” Andrew said with a look of disinterest and a sneer. 

Everyone looked shocked as Kevin surveyed the room eyes lingering over the way that Matt was staring at him with a look of surprise and something else. He didn’t have time to dwell on it as the coil of anxiety in his gut tightened into a noose around his neck.


	2. Sleep now under my skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin deals with what being roommates mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, I'm back  
> This chapter is a little bit shorter than the last one.  
> this is unbeta'd  
> Thank you to everyone who read this and gave it a chance!!!

After his physical with Abby, Kevin was still unsettled as he waited outside with Nicky who wouldn’t shut up about coach decision. “I’m just saying” Nicky finished. “This just isn’t fair!!! Why couldn’t he have just put me with Matt!! He is so my type!!! I mean who wouldn’t want to snuggle up with that gorgeous man!!! My god if I wasn’t already helplessly in love with my Erik I would love to just take a bite out of him.” Kevin couldn’t take it any longer.

“Nicky please just shut up!! You have no need to get distracted right now do you know how close you are from being replaced. If you don’t step up your game one of the newbies will take your spot as a starter.” Kevin finally conceded exasperated. “And this isn’t all sunshine and kittens for me!! I would gladly switch you but coach is right, WE cant afford to lose a single game this year and if he thinks splitting up the team will do that then…” Kevin trailed off. 

He was too on edge to really deal with Nicky but he was right. With 1 new defensive sub Nicky was in the hot seat. He was a good player but he was inconsistent. He needed to spend less time talking and more time actually practicing. Nicky didn’t seem to understand what was at stake for them here.

For him he had a life outside of exy, he could quit now and move to Germany and grow old with Erik and that would be just fine but Kevin and Neil they had so much to lose.

If they didn’t secure their spot as a top class 1 exy school then Kevin could kiss his chances of making court again goodbye. Without Exy the Moryiamas would consider him useless and dispose of him quickly. It was not just exy anymore it never would be again.

If that meant he had to room with Matt and Blake he could make that sacrifice. Just thinking about it made his heart start to patter unevenly. He shoved all of his fears down until it was a tiny little ball in the pit of his stomach. He has survived worse he can deal with being on his own, right? Nicky immediately understood that the mood had changed and quickly changed the topic.

“So uhh… how is the gal pal? You guys still good? I know you don talk about her much… like at all, but you went and visited her in June and-” Kevin cut him off before he could even continue what he was going to say. “ We broke up. We both rationally agreed that being together was not good for my mental state nor hers if she was stuck constantly worrying about me because I don’t tell her anything… and she reminded me too much about what I tried so desperately hard to get away from.”   
Kevin was surprised by his own honesty. It wasn’t really a shock that him and Thea wouldn’t really last. She was too understanding and he was too broken for them to have a healthy relationship. She wanted him to share more, open up, and be honest and he couldn’t. She reminded him too much of years at evermore she was too close to his problems.

Kevin had too many intimacy issues and Thea didn’t have enough patience. When he visited in June he arrived to an ultimatum. He left with hurt feelings and no Girlfriend. He didn’t find a need to tell anyone he figured they already knew what with the tabloids and reporters tearing apart their breakup. But apparently it was news to Nicky who looked like he had been shot. “Look Nicky, I really don’t want to talk about it people change. We weren’t going to last anyways. Don’t make a big deal okay.” Nicky finally found his voice as he “Rationally agreed… People change… Oh Kev” his sympathy was killing Kevin it wasn’t even that big of a deal. 

“Do you want a hug. How could you not tell us? And I’ve been dropping hints and harassing you about Thea. And you had to just bite your tongue and hide your feelings and tears. OHH I’m so sorry.” Nicky reached for him as if to smother him in his embrace. Kevin went to move but Nicky was too fast. He wrapped around him like an octopus smashing Kevin’s face into shoulder smothering his protests. “Just let it out Kevin its okay to cry. I wont judge you. You poor little baby. I knew you had a heart in there somewhere.” Kevin struggled to break free. “When did Nicky get so strong?” he thought to himself as he tried to wrench himself free.

Thankfully Renee saved him as she walked out of the stadium doors. “Nicky what are you doing to Kevin? He looks like he’s choking.” She came closer just as Nicky finally realized just how tight he was holding Kevin and loosened his harms. Kevin pulled free finally not even bothering to rip himself out of Nicky’s arms nicely. 

“Renee, you don’t understand. Our poor Kevin here has finally had his heart broken. I even doubted he had one, but he has been suffering silently through this, as his friend I have been horrible I didn’t even notice!” Nicky started to get hysterical toward the end starting towards Kevin again. Kevin scooted back so fast he almost tripped over the curb. He held out his hand in warning. “Nicky I am okay, really its okay. I am over it. Look can we talk about it later we really need to get all our stuff towards fox tower.”

Kevin looked around nervously hoping no one else had caught everything that had just transpired. Renee, bless her soul, jumped in before Nicky could start again. “You just reminded me Kevin will you be riding back with Matt and or are you going back with Andrew and Neil? I need to get a proper headcount of who is going with who so we can find room for the new players.” Kevin groaned as he remembered why he was out here in the first place he had to wait for Matt and Blake to finish their physical so he could get his room key and start setting up his side of the dorm. 

He hoped they had separate beds. He hated bunk beds. “I’m going back with Andrew.” He said, feeling uncomfortable. Why would she think he would head back with them? He shuffled nervously as Renee kept smiling at him. 

“Well that’s okay. I need to go grab Allison she’s helping Elizabeth grab her gear. I’ll see you later yea?” she sounded hopeful.”uhh…yea sure ill see you later.” It was hard to not be nice to Renee. She was one of the sweetest people he had ever met. If you could get jean to open up and learn to start taking care of himself, you were okay in Kevin’s book. She smiled once more before waving and heading off back inside. 

Just as Matt and Blake came through the doors Blake trailing behind a permanent frown on his face. Matt seemed to be thoroughly annoyed but his expression changed as he caught site of Nicky and Kevin. A smile broke across his face as he strutted over toward them. 

“Nicky my man, Kev. What are you guys still doing here.” He grinned at them and Kevin struggled to maintain his stoic mask.   
Matts grin was like the sun it was hard for him to concentrate on anything else especially with Matt this close to him. “We are waiting on Andrew and Neil to stop making out and take us back to the dorms.” Nicky said not missing beat. “Aw man they just scampered past heading for a smoke break so you could be waiting for a while. You guys can head back with me since Aaron's already at the dorm. Kev?” 

Kevin finally looked up making eye contact. Even though Kevin was tall, Matt still managed to tower over him causing him to have to crank his neck to look in his eyes. “Don’t call me that.” He responded coldly his heart was starting to beat out of synch making him feel an itch starting. 

Matts smile didn’t falter despite Kevin’s cold attitude. “What Kevin means is that we would love to ride with you.” Nicky added glaring at Kevin slightly at his rudeness. Kevin just huffed and stared off to the side. Now would be the perfect time for Andrew and Neil to make their entrance.

“Cool I’m parked over here.” Nicky skipped over as Kevin groaned reluctantly following Nicky towards Matt’s big truck. “Ugh... seriously.” Kevin looked over sizing up Blake who looked pissed. Blake was a stocky dude with alarmingly curly blonde hair and babyish features. He would look like a cherub if it weren’t for the permanent scowl etched on his face. He glared as Nicky leaned against matt demanding he help him into his car. He agreed it was a bit much but that was Nicky. 

Nicky could be overwhelming and tactile but he was sweet and one of the most honest people he knew. He was coming from a good place he tried so hard to help his cousins and has put so much effort into helping the team come together as one. 

“Hey newbie. Shut up. Until you earn a spot on the team you don’t have any right to talk about the players on it. Also I wouldn’t say anything if I were you, you cant even pass a ball correctly.” Even though Nicky sometimes annoyed him he was still there always there for him and no one would hurt Nicky without going through Kevin first. 

Kevin gave him his best glare making Blake feel like he wasn’t even a speck of dirt in Kevin’s world. Kevin paid him no mind as he climbed into the front seat of Matt’s truck forcing Blake to ride in the cab. He was forced into the middle since Nicky was already taking the passenger seat. 

Matt climbed in leg brushing against Kevin’s. Kevin tried to scoot over but Nicky wouldn’t budge. The warmth of Matt’s leg against Kevin’s shifted as he settled into the seat and put the keys in the ignition. The truck roared to life as music came blasting over the speakers deafening Kevin as a loud bass pounded his ears. Matt quickly turned it down as he glanced over at Kevin grinning as he apologized. 

“Sorry.” He shrugged. His smile up close was blinding and Kevin couldn’t look away until Nicky awkwardly coughed. Kevin broke out of the trance angry with himself. He needed to put distance between himself and matt fast he could not be doing this. Matt blushed as he drove out of the parking lot. Nicky gave him a questioning glance as Kevin pointedly stared out the window praying the truck would drive a little bit faster.

The campus rolled by as matt brushed his elbow up against Kevin as he shifted gears in his truck. Kevin wished he could be anywhere but here but at the same time… No he had to cut off that train of thought. He hadn’t felt this way in a while but he knew better than that. This was dangerous.   
He remembered what happens when he let his feelings get the best of him. Riko was always quick to remind him. He flinched as Matts elbow brushed up against him again waking him from his violent memories. Matt was with Dan and he wasn’t gay. 

He steeled his expression as the neared closer and closer to fox tower. Nicky kept up small talk throughout the entire ride changing topics from favorite clothing brands to who was the real queen of pop music. Matt kept up easily their voices lulling Kevin back from the edge of his memories. Before Kevin knew it they had pulled up.

They quickly spotted the rental as Aaron was unloading his things and piling them on the sidewalk. “So who wants to go up and check the room?” Matt said cheerily turning off the car and looking over at Kevin. “Fucking finally.” Blake chirped up from the back swinging out of the back. Matt climbed out gesturing at Kevin as Kevin moved to leave. 

He clambered out of the truck slipping as he misjudged the distance between him and the ground. Matt was there instantly grabbing Kevin before he could slip. It was completely unnecessary the worst that probably would have happened was that he twisted an ankle.   
Matt stared at him as he tightened his hands around Kevin. Matt gently set him on the ground and shuffled back rubbing his neck as he blushed. Kevin was too shocked to even form words. He just continued to stare. What was Matt playing at?? 

“Dude watch where you step. I thought I would never see the day when Kevin Day actually trips.” Matt laughed. Kevin just stared. Unable to comprehend just what was happening. He felt is face flush as he said thanks and hightailed it out of there. 

He almost ran to the dorm room but controlled himself into walking at a normal pace. “Don’t let him see that he got to me.” He repeated over and over in his head. He squeezed into the packed elevator sharing room with Aaron’s stuff. “What the hell is wrong with you. You look like coach just told you that you’ve been kicked off the team.” Aaron chimed in. Kevin looked over at him helplessly as he just gaped unable to get the feeling of Matt’s hands off him. 

“I… Honestly don’t know.” He searched for words to describe what he was feeling and tried to digest what just happened. He slipped. Matt just helped him. Like any person in his situation would do. This means nothing. Why is he acting like this? He shook his head wishing the weird feeling in his stomach would go away.   
“OHH I get it. You’ve been drinking again. Damn Kevin you really are a budding alcoholic.” Aaron shook his head at him used to Kevin’s drunken antics. But Kevin was perfectly sober.

The Elevator dinged as Aaron walked out propping his suitcases against the door so it wouldn’t close. “Look I know your drunk but could you at least help me pull my shit into the hallway.” Aaron said hints of annoyance in his tone. Kevin just obliged helping haul his beanbag and trunk into the deserted hallway.  
Aaron sighed before adding “look I get how this whole rooming situation sucks but can you please, stop acting like a kicked child. It’s annoying for the rest of us who have to look at you stupid face.” Kevin just glared and walked of tired of Aaron already. He was the one twin that Kevin really didn’t like. His only redeeming quality was that he was one heck of a backliner. 

He searched for his room number finally finding the right room 2 doors down from where Aaron seemed to be staying. He opened the door breathing in as he took in the room. There was a small kitchenette and bathroom off to one side. There where 3 desks and a 2 doors led into the bedrooms. He opened the first door to find 2 beds one on each side of the room. The second bedroom was smaller and had only one bed in it. Kevin sighed in relief. Things would be that bad. It looked like there was a bright side to this horrible situation.

Before Kevin could even fully step into the room a blonde headed body ran past him jumping on the bed. “ I call it its mine.” He screamed as Blake jumped on the bed. Kevin was shocked when did he get here. Matt pulled up beside him looking in as Blake glared menacing at them daring one of them to speak up. “I need my own room I keep weird hours and Talk in my sleep!! Its better for everyone if I just have my own room.” Blake growled.

Matt just shrugged like it was no big deal. Kevin stared flabbergasted he could not fathom this brat. He looked at Matt hopelessly. Matt just shrugged, undisturbed. “I guess we’re roomies now.” Matt smiled but Kevin felt his coffin lid nailing shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell i love Nicky a lot.  
> I love Nicky's friendship with Kevin it needs to happen.  
> The next chapter might get a little dark and i'm probably gonna change the warning and tags.


	3. You've been talking with your fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He I'm so sorry. I am a literal piece of shit.  
> School has been kicking my ass and I have had no free time.  
> Thats a really shitty excuse but I am so sorry.  
> I will be posting 3 times this week to try and make up for my slow time updating.  
> I apologize again.

A week had passed and nothing too monumental had happened. Kevin hadn’t had any run-ins with any of his roommates. It probably helped that he had basically moved in with Neil and Andrew. 

He avoided Matt like the plague. Making sure he timed his visits back to the room so that both roommates would be out. He couldn’t avoid them at practice though but it helped that he was striker and Matt and Blake played mostly defense. 

His night practice continued with Neil and Andrew they worked hard going over plays and running through old ones until Kevin couldn’t feel his legs afterward. He would finally head back to the dorm around 1 slipping in quietly trying not to wake Matt. Then he would get up at 5 before any of his teammates to go on a run. 

He was turning into Neil the amount of times he actually spent running but it was paying of. He could feel himself becoming quicker on the court and really pushing his playing to the next level. He even manages to slip in a few more trips to the gym with his free time. 

He’s not hiding per-say he’s just you know busy. But good things never last where Kevin is involved. It was Tuesday afternoon just after lunch. Kevin had made sure to pack a lunch so he wouldn’t have to deal with the group lunch date today. He was about to make his getaway almost halfway out the locker room door when out of nowhere a muscled hand grabbed his shirt yanking him to side facing a very pissed of Coach Wymack.

He was still unsure of their relationship after last year but he had kept his distance. It was weird for Coach to rough handle him like that; mixed with his furious glare Kevin was left feeling apprehensive. 

Coach stared him in the eyes for a minute before finally speaking. “Why do you look sleep deprived!” Kevin was dumbfounded for a minute confused.  
I mean he did only average about 4 hours a night but he wouldn’t consider that sleep deprived when he lived in the nest he was lucky if he even got 3 so he didn’t understand why coach would bring up the fact that he was sleeping a little less. He didn’t feel tired and he knew for a fact it wasn’t affecting his performance.

“I don’t know what you mean-” Kevin started. “ Don’t bullshit me Day. Boyd came to me to tell me you’ve been coming back late and leaving to early.” Kevin felt a flurry of emotions as Wymack’s words sank in. 

“And don’t pretend I haven’t noticed how you have bags under your eyes. Even Neil noticed something is up and he is the densest person I’ve ever met.”  
Sure he did have a slight shadow under his eyes but his performance has improved tenfold and isn’t a little pain worth the end result. He felt a little betrayed that Neil would say something. He knew what was at stake if Kevin couldn’t improve. “Look I’m doing okay I haven’t been sleeping well but I’m okay, I’ve been a little antsy and have been over working myself at improving my game but I swear my sleep patterns will even out by the time school starts.” 

Kevin tried to come across as convincing but he didn’t feel that successful. From the look Wymack was giving him he hadn’t been. Wymack glared at him for another minute a look of defeat in his eyes as Kevin held his gaze defiantly. Finally Coach just sighed “Kevin don’t be stupid. Don’t burn yourself out before you even play. Take care of yourself. You’re an Adult and I have no control over what happens to my foxes but take care of yourself please.” Wymack’s voice turned almost pleading toward the end. 

Guilt crept into Kevin as Wymack finally stepped back allowing Kevin to continue out the door. He paused as he finally left now digesting exactly what coach had said. The longer he turned the words over in his head the angrier he got.

How dare Matt. Kevin felt this surge of absolute rage come over him. He looked around for his truck only to find it gone. He sprinted back to the dorms not caring how he looked he had a bone to pick with Boyd. 

He arrived at the dorm too quick his speed being fueled by his anger. He skipped the elevator taking the stairs. He arrived at his dorm room as he slammed open the door searching for Boyd.

Blake stared at him in surprise as he sat on the couch a cup of noodles in his hand. “Where is Boyd!” Kevin growled out scaring Adam as he just continued to stare at Kevin as if seeing a ghost Kevin snarled in frustration annoyed with the stupidity of his teammate. Blake got the message quickly and just pointed dumbfounded at the dorm next door.

Kevin stormed out of the room leaving a confused Blake in his wake as he came to a stop outside Allison and Renee’s room he knocked on the door not to gently and waited as Renee opened it smiling at Kevin. “Kevin, what a surprise. Do you want to join us we are playing monopoly?” 

Kevin couldn’t be bothered to deal with her so he pushed through until he laid eyes on matt as matt looked up from his position with his head in Dan’s lap. That just further angered Kevin and he didn’t know why. 

“Boyd, who the fuck gives you the right!?” Kevin was too angry to censor himself in front of the ladies. Allison looked shocked along with Dan at Kevin’s outburst, but Kevin was too far-gone to be apologetic. Matt got up looking concerned and a bit of surprise crossed his features. 

“Who put the bee in your bonnet today Day?” he didn’t seem at all disturbed which just furthered to fuel Kevin’s anger. “Who put the bee in my… Oh that’s cute Boyd How bout you just learn to keep your coke filled nose out of something that doesn’t pertain to you. We aren’t friends so keep the Fuck out of my business.” 

Kevin knew he stepped over an invisible line but if matt wanted to talk about his problems then Kevin was sure to talk about his. Dan gasped as Allison looked like she was going to say something but all Kevin cared about was Matt and hurting him. 

Matts faced changed as Kevin finished his rant and he looked disappointed as he stared Kevin down. “Kevin, What the Fuck! Why are yo-” Matt cut off Dan. “Let me handle this Danielle.” The light and humor was gone from Matt’s eyes as he pushed him and Kevin out of the room. 

“Look I don’t know what your angry about but, lets not make this personal. You don’t need to drag them into this too.” Matt set his jaw as he shut the door slowly behind them as they stood in the empty hallway. Kevin just wanted to punch him in his stupid perfect face. “ Personal? oh you don’t want to make this personal. Well too fucking late. You had no right to go to coach about this. There is nothing wrong. I am perfectly fucking fine and I don’t want nor need you to watch over me. Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone? Stay out of my business I don’t want or need the opinion from some crack head like you. You and your track marks are already dirtying up the court as it is.” Kevin knew his mark had hit home as matt sucked in a breath as if he’d been sucker punched. 

Kevin ended it with a sneer and a pointed look at Matts open arms as Matt subconsciously folded his arms over so the scars disappeared. A dark look took over matts face as his glare hardened. Kevin felt a flicker of guilt. 

Before he could dwell matt retorted. “oh that’s rich coming from you with your daddy issues. I get that your too much of a coward to really stand up for your self I mean you let Riko beat the shit out of you and still wanted to crawl back to him like the little bitch you are. Why are you such an asshole? did Riko hit you too many times did he decide that you weren’t worth the air you took up and decided to choke the self worth out of you. I mean maybe he was right by breaking your hand your obviously not worth the accolades you receive. I’m surprised he actually wanted you for “perfect court” your just a worthless piece of shit who takes joy out of hurting others because your insecure. I mean I guess that’s why they called you brothers.” The look of disgust on Matts face really sent Kevin over the edge. 

“Don’t you dare compare me to that masochist bastard. You have no idea what I went through. how dare you even suggest… You don’t know what its like to be at the mercy of someone else and realize no ones coming to save you. So don’t you even fucking start I am nothing like him.” At the end Kevin was shaking he was unsure if it was because of his anger or an upcoming panic attack. 

He had no right he didn’t understand what riko did to him every day. Psychological scars were easier to hide than physical. Riko was a sick bastard. His breathing started to become labored as his mind flashed memories of the torture. 

He was nothing like him. He… he…. It was too late. All of a sudden he was back in the dark room with Riko on top of him. Hands on his neck on his stomach. He just wouldn’t get off. There where hands everywhere he couldn’t breathe. Why wont they just let him go. Someone was calling his name. He tried to focus but he couldn’t. They won’t stop touching him. “Stop…please…” he tried to call out but he knew they wouldn’t.

Someone grabbed his face. He jerked violently as his vision cleared to stare dead into Matt’s eyes. He was saying something but Kevin couldn’t focus as ghost hands violated his being. He needed to get away he lashed out aiming for Matts face.

Matt caught his punch and held Kevin as he struggled to hit any part of matt he could reach. “let go of me!” He screamed glancing a blow of Matts jaw. Matt stared shocked as he felt his jaw. 

Kevin scooted back as far as he could get away from Matt. “Fuck off!” he tried to regain any semblance of control over his spiraling thoughts. “Kevin Calm DOWN.” Matt stressed. But by now Kevin was starting to feel overwhelmed. He hated feeling weak.

He felt a resurgence of his anger. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do. Just stay the fuck away from me.” Kevin spat at him. Matt moved forward as if trying to calm down a rabid animal. “ Hey Kevin its okay just calm down.” Before Matt could get any closer Andrew came sprinting out of his closed door as a crowd was gathering, attracted by all the yelling. 

Andrew didn’t even bother asking questions he just swung knocking matt back into the wall. Neil came out and pulled Kevin closer to him checking to make sure Kevin was breathing and wasn’t hurt. The girls came out of the room trying to intervene by helping Nicky and Aaron pull Andrew off of Matt. 

“Hey Andrew STOP!!” Andrew didn’t care as he struggled against his restraints. “How many times have I told you Boyd. Don’t Fucking touch what’s mine.” Andrew threatened. Renee held a cloth to Matts nose as he tried to staunch the bleeding. “He didn’t do anything. Kevin went all rabid dog. He came in here screaming. Don’t blame the victim.” Allison snarled as Andrew tried again to break free. 

Neil turned to Kevin a questioning look on his face. He must have seen the truth written there. He wasn’t that surprised Kevin’s attitude could piss anyone off. “Andrew. Stop. Kevin started it. Matt didn’t touch him.” Neil got in front of Andrew keeping his attention on him. Andrew calmed slightly and shook off his captors as he regarded Matt.

“Don’t Fucking Touch him. Got it?” Andrew snarled as he got in Matts face before turning and dragging Kevin and Neil with him back into his room.  
Dan cradled Matts face as they pulled him back into their room as the newbies stared on in confusion. They had heard about the foxes problems with acting as a team but they didn’t expect to see it so soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is un'beta'd  
> and a special things to my friend Hannah who screamed at me and forced me to sit down and write.  
> Come check out my tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/andyroominyard  
> Send me prompts.


	4. I Couldn't Give You Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told ya you will be getting more updates this week.   
> This is Un'betad as always so all mistakes are my own sorry.  
> Tell me if you like the story so far.

The tense minutes that followed the incident consisted of Andrew glaring at Neil and Kevin both as Neil tried to pry answers out of Kevin while Kevin tried to down a Grey Goose bottle in 2 seconds. 

“Kevin what happened? I thought you and Matt were fine. Why did you just attack him? Is there something wrong? I thought we agreed to not have a rerun of last year.” Neil sent a searching look his way managing to look disappointed and concerned at the same time. He crossed his arms over his chest to try and appear more serious as if Kevin had no other choice than answering him. 

Kevin just rolled his eyes and took another long swig, the alcohol burning in a good way and numbing his erratic heartbeat. Neil was not amused with Kevin’s lack of response.

“Talk to us please.” He tried pleading giving Kevin a searching look. Kevin’s eyes drifted over to Andrew the unmoving force positioned against the wall glancing at Kevin with a bored uninterested look. He didn’t want to think of what transpired in the hall. He hoped no one caught it on video just his luck it would be all over the news in minutes.

Kevin could see the headlines now ‘Kevin Day lashes out at teammates in grief ’ ‘Kevin Day Mentally Unstable?’. He groaned as he glanced back at Neil’s expectant stare. He relented. 

“Nothing, Matt just…idk its not a big deal.” Kevin stated. Neil looked at him disbelievingly. “Matt, the same Matt who has helped you out many times by getting in-between you and Riko and who had you over for Christmas. So ‘its not a big deal’ but you attacked him and screamed at him. Seriously that’s what your going to go with. Listen Kev, we are here for you even Andrew, but one thing we ask of you is don’t lie to us. What is really going on? Is Riko’s death still affecting you?” 

“No!! Its not that its just… idk. Boyds just been pissing me off lately. He’s all over my case and I guess I just overreacted. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep lately, I have been overworking myself. But I’m okay. Trust me. It was just an acceleration of a short temper.” Kevin summarized.

He hoped it would be enough to get Neil off his case without it being too obvious. Neil just looked concerned and a little unsure but thankfully let it drop. “Just don’t make a habit of attacking people, Matts a good person he doesn’t deserve that. Do you want to go over plays we should implement this season?” It was Neil’s version of an olive branch and Kevin took it. Following Neil over to the beanbags so that they could compare strategies. 

The look Andrew gave him on his way over did nothing to console Kevin. Andrew just grunted and went to the window to light a cigarette. Kevin had to be more careful next time. 

As he sat with Neil he slowly felt guilt start to creep up his spine. He gripped the Bottle tighter and took a longer gulp trying to wash the bad taste out of his mouth. He focused in as a Neil talked about how he wanted to invite the Backliners to night practice to get them to work on being quicker and intercept tricky plays.

Kevin felt uneasy he agreed that they won last year barely and now they had to hold that position. Their defense was seriously lacking and was one of the weakest parts of the entire team. Kevin and Neil couldn’t carry the team together but that didn’t mean he wanted them all in his space. 

Night practices were a special time for Kevin to just focus and were his escape from his life for 2 short hours. Neil was looking at him expectantly and to evade even more suspicion Kevin just agreed. Neil looked satisfied with Kevin’s complacency and then spent the next half hour talking Kevin’s ear off about what they could now practice with the Backliners involved. 

Their convo was cut short by a sharp knock on the door. Neil looked puzzled but still got up and answered the door. A Hushed harsh conversation flowed through the door as Kevin tried to peer around Neil’s body to see who he was talking too. Before Kevin could get up and investigate Neil stepped back and let Dan through the door. She pointed a menacing finger at him and pointed to outside the door. 

“You and me we are having a chat now.” Kevin got up slowly, as much as he doesn’t like the upperclassmen he still respected Dan and everything she did for the team. She was fierce and inspiring. He followed her outside the door to stand back in the hallway where it all started.

“Alright I’m going to talk and your going to listen. I don’t care what you’re going through. You had no right to say those things to Matt. He has gone through enough as it is and doesn’t need you adding more shit to his already filled pile. We are all trying to be understanding of all the things you went through last year because we respect you and the steps you’ve taken to being independent. But we wont put up with this if, in order for you to heal you need to hurt your teammates. You are lucky that Matt is a good person and didn’t take anything you said to heart or become hurt by your actions. You have no right to air out his dirty laundry unless you are prepared for us to air out yours. You owe him way more than an apology but that’s a good place to start. Kevin we aren’t expecting you to open up to us and tell us what’s going through your head and underneath that sneer of yours. But you have Neil, Betsy and even god forbid Andrew, don’t shut them out they are trying to help you. We have all given you your space but clearly that isn’t working. Just….” Dan searched for words to say.

“Thanks, Dan I’m okay.” Kevin couldn’t describe the emotions that soared through him at hearing Dan’s kind words. Even though he was a bit of an asshole to her on the court it was a strange felling to hear that she was thinking of him. After the talk with her over spring break he was very tentative about their strange companionship.   
He felt the strong need to not disappoint her. He had to swallow his pride the alcohol helped loosen his tongue. “Do you know where… I mean…where is matt?” Kevin hated how unsure his voice sounded it reminded him of his time at evermore and he hated that part of him. 

He cleared his throat and steeled his gaze as Dan gave him her most sympathetic look and pointed to her dorm room. He felt like a man being led to his death. He opened the door to see Renee holding an ice pack to Matts jaw while Matt struggled to clean up blood from his face. They looked up when he walked in. Renee with understanding and Matt with wariness and shock.

Allison took that time to walk in and give an undignified squeak about to lay into Kevin no doubt before Renee got up and pulled her along with Dan out the door. “Come on they need to talk.” 

Matt got up awkwardly as if to brace himself for Kevin’s unending attack. Kevin felt the drunken loosening of his lips as he said the first thing that came to mind. “I thought your mom was a boxer, cant you block a punch.” Matt just sighed as if he was expecting this and started walking as if he was about to leave.

Kevin tried to smooth his expression into a friendlier one as he reached out without thinking grabbing Matts arm. Matt stopped and turned. Kevin’s face paled as he realized what he just did. But matt wasn’t pulling away. Kevin yanked his hands off as if he was burned as he lowered his pride and apologized. 

“I’m not good at this but I’m going to try. I am sorry about the things I said and for hitting you in the face.” Kevin braced for the worse, waiting for the retaliation that never came. He looked up at Matts face as Matt gave him an odd look as a slow smile spread across his masculine features. 

Matt reached for Kevin’s shoulder as he reassuringly rested his hand firmly against Kevin’s collarbone that was peaking out of his shirt. It was a weirdly warm and comforting gesture that Kevin immediately wanted more of. 

“ Look for what is counts Day I’m sorry too. I took it too far. We were just concerned but I promise to stay out of your personnel health issues from now on. We both make mistakes in life and I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I think you should be too. I forgive you. I know what its like to be hurting and if you need an outlet just let me know. Take your aggression out on a punching bag not my face next time okay.” 

Matt just smiled at him as if all was forgiven and Kevin was shocked speechless. How could someone just forget that so easily it was unsettling but also kinda nice. 

“Come on don’t look so constipated we are cool. Hey are you gonna be around the dorm by 7 cause we were thinking of ordering some takeout and watching all the Star Treks.” Matt looked hopeful. But all Kevin could think about was how this was okay to him.

“How? Why? What I said was not okay.” Kevin was uncomfortable now. He knew the other shoe was going to drop and it made his stomach twist. 

Matt looked surprised then stepped closer and… ‘OMG. Is he really…’ Matts arms wrapped around Kevin as he pulled him in to a hug. Kevin was unsure of where to put his arms as Matt smothered Kevin’s head into Matts shoulder. Kevin could count on one hand how many people heave given him hugs and none of them had ever felt like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i mischaracterize anyone.  
> I also don't know what time frame this is set in. I know the original story was supposed to be like early 2000's but this might be more modern au.  
> I will update tags as soon as i can.


	5. Stop Lying With those words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i didnt drop of the face of the earth but i will tell you whats been happening if you care. Updates will be slow so read below for more information. This is not Beta'd and all mistakes can be blamed on my concussion.   
> Happy Holidays!!!

Kevin could not believe what was transpiring in front of him. Mathew Boyd was hugging him. 

He felt warm, supported and safe. 

It was strange the Ravens never initiated any types of physical comfort, even with Thea it was a strained relationship mostly consisting of stumbling messy kisses and stolen touches never anything like this. Kevin couldn’t remember the last time someone touched him like this without ulterior motives. Kevin couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Matt was holding him because he wanted to and because he wanted to comfort him. 

It was gentle but firm unlike the tight grips and bruising fingers that would encircle his body whenever Riko wanted to put on a public show. The height difference was psyching him out as someone who was used to towering over his smaller teammates it was odd to have someone tower over him. All of his thoughts suddenly hit him and a furious blush rose from his cheekbones all the way past his neckline. He hoped to god Matt wouldn’t notice as he stood shock still in matts arms too much of a coward to pull away. 

He suddenly felt self-conscious, unsure where to put his arms he managed some semblance of self-control and left them at his sides. Just because he wanted the hug desperately he wasn’t going to show he wanted it. The feeling of despair Kevin fought off as he struggled to show that he didn’t want this he knew what happened to things that he wanted. His and jeans scars, a constant reminder of their greediness and why Kevin could never want anything ever again. He allowed himself one small thing. He leaned in a bit and subtly sniffed Matt. 

Kevin’s mind blanked, as he automatically wanted to keep that scent saved forever in his mind and at the same time wanted to never stop smelling it. It smelled like sandalwood and the Clear Water National forest that Kevin had visited when they played the Grizzlies 2 years ago.

It was intoxicating and it hurt to pull away. Matt finally pulled back grabbing Kevin by the biceps with a determined set to his chiseled face. 

“Kevin, look what you said, it did hurt me but, I am stronger than my scars and you are too. They just represent battles we have won, and shows how we came out stronger on the other side. I cant imagine the type of person you were at evermore and you probably couldn’t imagine the type of person I was back when these weren’t scars. That isn’t who we are now, people change as they learn and we have both changed. You might still see old Kevin but that’s not who you are. Don’t let Riko’s violence define you. You aren’t number 2 anymore. That being said, don’t ever take my forgiveness as condoning that explosive behavior. It’s not okay for you to verbally abuse your teammates, and we are your teammates. We have to stand united on the court in order to secure our spot as a top class 1 exy team. Everyone’s going to be gunning for us this year and we can’t let them take us down. I understand what it takes to be under all that pressure but don’t let it consume you. If you need someone to talk to I’m here. Just don’t let what transpired between us again. I hate conflict especially between me and my friends.” 

Matt looked happy as he ended his speech. Kevin just nodded mutely as he flushed harder as he noticed that matt still hadn’t let him go. “Kevin are you okay you look a little red?” Matt inquired as Kevin struggled to hide his embarrassment of being caught. “I’m fine Its just cold in here. Shouldn’t we get Dan and Renee?” Kevin struggled to change the subject before Matt actually deciphered why he was blushing. 

“oh yeah… haha lets go, they wont be happy we took so long.” Matt Awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck as he finally realized he hadn’t actually let go of Kevin yet. He hastily removed his hand off of Kevin.

Kevin fought the urge to touch the spot where matt had placed his hands on him to see if it was still warm. Kevin knew he was getting in too deep. He needed something to ground him. He followed Matt outside the dorm room as he headed straight for Neil’s room to raid their private stash. He needed to rationalize his thought process, Matt was right about one thing: everyone will be gunning for them this year. 

The teams have had all year to familiarize themselves with their playing style. It was going to be an interesting year and Kevin couldn’t afford getting distracted by unnecessary things. He bottled up what he was feeling and buried it deep in the place where he buried this side of himself. “I am not gay.” He told himself. He doesn’t have time to even question his sexuality the only thing he has time for is exy and working on his public image. It was in shreds after everything that had happened in the spring with him naming his dad, Riko dying, and the suspicions of Raven brutality and what really happened to his hand. He needed all attention right now to be on fixing his image and perfecting his game so that he could take the spot as the new leader of NCAA exy. 

He sneaked back to Neil’s room careful to avoid eye contact with a still mad Allison and reserved looking Renee. With the door of the dorm firmly closed Kevin felt like he could finally breathe. “Well well well… looks like Kevin finally got his balls back.” Andrew crooned from the beanbag on the floor. Kevin just rolled his eyes and flopped down on the floor next to him to watch whatever cooking show currently had Neil’s attention. 

It was a weird hobby that Neil got into after Baltimore. He decided that he was finally going to do things he never got the chance to. One of those was cooking. After multiple failed attempts and 2 fire alarms he had finally manage to become proficient enough to not warrant Andrew or Kevin standing by with a fire extinguisher every time Neil tried to boil water. With this hobby came endless amounts of cooking shows that were a constant on the TV. The one good thing was that finally Kevin could convince Andrew to eat healthy. Neil wasn’t very good at baking and for that Kevin was glad. 

“Did you finally apologize, I don’t know why you have a thing against Matt, he is awesome and really kind. You guys would be great friends all of your negativity would cancel out due to his cheeriness. Plus its not like your drowning in friends at the moment.” Neil piped up from the couch as he wrote down all the steps for the lasagna. Kevin just gave a noncommittal grunt.

He was determined to not get into this again with Neil. Neil had a sharp tongue and Kevin was not in the mood to set him off again.

“Oh I’m sorry didn’t think you took that whole queen thing literally huh? Guess you wouldn’t want to hang with us mere peasants. So sorry your highness, god forbid you actually learn to talk to someone like a decent human being.” Apparently not answering was enough to set Neil off. This was a tiring argument that Kevin already knew the end of. Neil would win and Kevin would sulk making him pay for it later in evening practice. 

“Especially with all he went through this summer you would think you guys would have a lot in common, but noooo apparently Kevin is better than him.” Kevin was tired. He felt drained after all the heart to hearts earlier and just wanted some peace. He looked to Andrew for help but all he got was an unsympathetic calculating look instead.  
“Seriously, Neil please drop it. We just don’t click.” Kevin pleaded in French rubbing his temple as he felt another headache coming on. Why is everyone so obsessed all of a sudden with his non existent relationship with Matt. 

“Come on Kev, if you just tried. Everyone thinks so.” Great now everyone is in his business. Sometimes he preferred when everyone hated him. Now they all want to get involved with his life. 

Neil went on unperturbed by Kevin’s obvious discomfort. He saw it and just didn’t care. “I mean this is getting out of hand me and Nicky both think you guys need to get over all of this emotional stiltedness. Just Fuck and get it over with so we can focus on winning this year.” Neil stopped seeming to realize what he just said as if spilling some giant secret. Kevin was mortified.

Is that what people thought that their dislike of each other was really some unresolved sexual tension. 

That Kevin was… He…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys wanted to let you know whats happening. I got a head injury in November and things have been spiraling because of it. What started out as a small injury turned into a pretty serious one. I am in excruciating pain and cant focus on anything for more than a few seconds which makes writing incredibly hard. I have to get an MRI and see psychologist and therapist to work on recovering lost memories and my short term memory loss issues i have been facing. I am terribly sorry for not keeping you updated but i have not been allowed to use any electronics until today. I am slowly getting better but that means i cant guarantee when i will be updating. I don't really want your condolences because i am not giving up, this is temporary and hopefully the story will be finished by April. I wanted to apologize for the broken promise about updates. Thank you for giving this story a chance. And thank you to all the sweet comments you guys wrote. I am done with the pity party and this will be the last time i mentions this but i just felt i owed you guys an explanation for my failure to update the story. I hope you enjoy the chapter and have a great Holiday!!


	6. Holding on to you for Dear life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning read the Authors note at the beginning of the chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kinda goes a bit into an topic about someone struggling with there feelings toward someone of the same sex. If you get triggered by talk of being cuffed or held against your will, or sexual assault and someone suffering a panic attack and self harm. then PLEASE skip this chapter i will NOT be offended.  
> again this is un'betad

“No! Now was no the time to have an identity crisis” Kevin chided himself. He put on a sneer and responded back forcing a sense of confidence in his voice.

“Seriously Neil, Cut out the gay shit. You know I don’t care who you or Nicky decide to bang, but please stop with me. I’m not gay. I dated Thea for gods sake. You take your joking way too far.” Kevin finished with a pointed glare at Neil and Andrew. He was met with an apathetic look and an eye roll by Neil.

“How did it go with Thea by the way, I mean she did dump you so… Look Me and Nicky just think you need a someone, maybe then you wont be so uptight, and hopefully it will help you go easy on us during practice.” Neil shrugged, Kevin fought to keep the contempt held back. It was easy for Neil to say, Neil had nothing to worry about he was safe. Kevin needed to only focus on one thing right now.

He was done with the new thread this conversation had started on, he need to go breathe and just process what had just happened. He huffed and grabbed his bag on the desk and headed out. He couldn’t be in the small dorm room anymore with Neil constantly down his throat and demanding answers that Kevin didn’t have. He moved down the hallway before starting down the stairs and out the front doors of Fox tower. He started his trek to the court at a slow jog. 

He didn’t want to outrun his demons he just needed to distract himself enough so that he could put himself back together. Even know Kevin still felt a weird itch under his skin knowing that these people knew him. They knew everything; his laundry was out for everyone to see. He felt exposed everything was watched and commented about. They were so ingrained in who he was now it still made him uncomfortable. He was taught to keep everything separated. Never getting to close to people. He only need one other person, his partner.

“No, Riko’s no longer here.” Kevin pushed himself to pick up the pace as the court came into view around the bend. He came to a stop outside the door, his breath was coming out in short pants but his stamina had increased sevenfold since he had been putting in extra time running. He quickly unlocked the door and made his way into the locker room. 

He stopped by his locker quickly changing into court gear before grabbing his racquet and a bucket of balls and heading into the inner court. The comforting feel of having a racquet in his hands and the court under his shoes made him breathe easier. He rested for only a moment before getting started. He ran drills switching between his right and left hand until he felt the tension in his back start to uncoil. He hammered the goal lining up impossible shots and practicing footwork as he worked out his arms. 

The repetition and the sound of the ball hitting the back of the goal helped him process everything that had just happened. He needed to keep a cap on his emotions before another incident happens. He needed an outlet someone to talk too. 

Kevin racked his brain trying to think of someone who he could call to talk about what happened. It was a short list he realized depressingly. But… He did know someone. He exited the court and climbed up into the stands to rest. He had his phone out and dialed the number before he noticed what he was doing. It rang twice but then he picked up. “Salut,” 

Kevin felt a sense of tranquility wash over him as the familiar tones of the person on the other line. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. It was nice to hear the timbre of Jeans voice after so long. “Qu’est-ce qu’il y a” Jeans worried tone filtered through the speakers of Kevin’s phone. 

“C’est Moi” Kevin replied. “Je sais, idiot. Est-ce que je peux t’aide ” Jean responded slightly annoyed. Kevin huffed at jean. His voiced contained no emotion but Kevin knew that jean was secretly glad to hear from him. 

“its been to long, I just… I… I don’t know what to do.” Kevin confessed. 

“ What happened. Were you acting like a connard again.” Jean sounded exasperated. “No its just, I… how did you know that, you know…weren’t uhhh” Kevin tried as his heart beat faster, his mouth started going a little dry. 

“How did I know what…” Jean asked. “How did you know that you didn’t like girls.” Kevin decided to just face the bullet head on. “Quoi? How did I… oh mon Dieu! c’est trop. Are you having a sexuality crisis right now. Seriously I do not have time to manage your feelings for Neil right now!”

jean sounded as if he was going to hang up on Kevin. “it’s not for Neil. Jean!!” Kevins voice became hard. Jeans end of the line was silent but kevin saw that he hadn’t hung up yet. It must have been the tone of his voice or the fact that kevin wasn’t one to talk about feelings that got Jean to pause. 

“I don’t know what to do. I cant; I cant possibly like boys after everything. It’s the world pulling a sick joke on me. How could I even crave the touch after everything.” Kevin’s voice turned small as he voiced the one opinion he hadn’t wanted to think about. “Jean I… I’m so broken. I… it hurts to much but I want it .” he noticed that there were tears rolling down his face.

He suddenly felt small again huddled up in the supply closet hiding from the monsters of his own imagination. “Kev, Its not your fault. What happened to you is no ones faults but Riko’s. Your not broken… there is nothing to be ashamed of. “ Kevin felt a wail crawling up his throat. “He won, Jean he won. He’s fucking dead and he still fucking won.” The tears were flowing heavily now as sobs racked Kevin’s frame as he fought the bile curling in his stomach as he remembered those nights. 

“He has no right to fuck up my life anymore. I wont let him have this… He cant have this.” Kevin scrubbed at his face trying to erase the felling of hands on his face. “ Kev, no…Kevin. No I refuse to believe that he won. He has no right to our lives because he’s dead. We got out, we survived. He doesn’t get this too!! Kevin he doesn’t get this too. We beat him. Don’t let him discredit your feelings. Just hold on.” 

Kevin was too gone his sobs become uncontrollable as he slowly slipped into his memories. He could still hear his voice. His fucking voice haunted his consciousness every time he even looked at someone. 

“This is fucked up Kevin. You’re lucky It was only me who saw you. Who knows what the public would do to you if the found out that this is who you really are.” Riko’s voice seemed to be right in his ear. He could feel his back burn as he remembered the beating that followed as Riko punished him for fighting back as he cut up Jeans body.

“It was just a kiss!! Stop please!!” Kevin remembered how he had begged and pleaded with Riko till his throat was sore. It became too much for Kevin the voices wouldn’t stop. They haunted him everywhere. His phone was crushed in his hand as he struggled for air to fight off the ghosts.

He remembered the first time it had happened. The handcuffs locking him to his bed as he clawed at the headboard using all his strength to try and buck them off. He heard the laughter as Riko locked him in the room. His vision was starting to go black as he heard shouting and someone trying to grab his arm. 

He whimpered and lashed out pushing them off. He felt someone enter his line of sight and grab his head pulling him back into the present. He saw Andrew in front of him and Neil on the side worriedly on the phone talking to someone. 

Jean must have called him Kevin’s brain supplied. A bottle was forced to his mouth as he started to regain his breath he drunk quickly as if he was dying of thirst. He started to get his bearings as he started feeling a pain in his arm. He looked down to find that he had scratched his arms in an effort to ground himself.

It didn’t work and all he had done was dig his fingers in so deep that he was bleeding profusely from his wounds. Someone was talking he realized. It was Andrew “what the hell did you do to yourself?” he demanded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My french is not the best so don't hate.  
> Salut-Hey  
> Qu'est-c'il y a- What is It  
> C'est Moi- Its me  
> Je sais idiot- I know idiot  
> Est-ce que je peux t'aide- Can i help you  
> connard-Asshole  
> Quoi-What?  
> Oh Mon Dieu- Oh my god  
> C'est trop- Its too much 
> 
> I talk about some heavy things in this chapter about sexual orientation. liking someone isn't wrong and dosent make you broken. i have seen some friends suffer through this type of thing and i want you to know that you are NOT broken and it dosent make you bad or wrong. THERE is nothing wrong with liking who you like and FUCK anyone who tries to tell you your wrong or to change. Never change who you are!!!  
> if you want to request something or talk with me about the foxhole court check out my tumblr  
> http://andyroominyard.tumblr.com/


	7. I Never Trusted My Own Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow another update. got blessed with a snow day so i sat down and decided to write something.  
> this is un'betad and sorry in advance if i mischaracterize someone.

Coming down from a panic attack was never nice. With Andrew holding him down and forcefully forcing him out of the chaotic head space Kevin was left feeling raw and empty. He focused on the conversations that were happening around him. Neil was still on the phone. 

“No He’s fine. What did you say to set him off.” Neil was staring at Kevin with a calculated look while Andrew stared deep into Kevin’s eyes as if searching for an answer that kevin didn’t have. “He just looks pale and shaky. We gave him some liquor so he should be okay in a minute.” Kevin was mortified he hadn’t had that bad of panic attack in months, it felt like his perfectly constructed world was falling around him.

“Its bad Jean, he hasn’t been sleeping, he overworking himself for no reason. I don’t know… he just flipped out on Matt earlier today.” Neil listened to the phone for a bit before responding to however was on the other line. “jean, jean was on the phone.” Kevin reminded himself. 

He could feel himself coming back down he looked at the sky to see it was starting to darken. How long had that panic attack lasted? He hates losing time. It had been happening more and more frequently lately.

“I don’t know if we are equipped for this, Jean I… he’s destroying himself.” Kevin focused back in on Neil as Andrew placed a rag on his cuts trying to stem the blood flow. Andrews mask was back on but Kevin could tell he was worried. His brow was slightly pinched as he looked from kevin to Neil then back to the wounds on his arm. “We have a therapist here but… I don’t know where to start. What were you guys talking about before? He was clutching his phone in his hand so hard it broke.”   
Kevin looked down on the floor of the bleachers to see his discarded phone. He would have to get a new one now. He didn’t understand what Neil was talking about, everything was okay, and he could handle it. It was one small panic attack, it was nothing. Before Neil finished his phone call Wymack came running up the bleachers followed by Abby. Kevin was even more confused, it was fine. It was one panic attack. 

Andrew relented his hold on Kevin so Abby could check it out. She opened her first aid kit pulling out some disinfectant. Andrew glared up at Wymack as it to say ‘look what you’ve done’. Wymack let out a loud breath as he bent down in front of Kevin. No one said anything for a couple of seconds before the silence was broken by Abby who pulled away the rag to look at the damage. She gasped dramatically while Wymack cursed. 

The dark lines stood out in contrast to Kevin’s slightly tanned skin. They were deep. Abby got to work quickly cleaning and prepping the wounds. “Your going to need stitches. How could…” Abby held her tongue looking at Kevin, eyes full of pity. Kevin couldn’t stand it so he looked at Wymack. It wasn’t much better. Wymack’s face clouded over in anger. Kevin wasn’t sure if it was at him or at the person who messed him up. Neil was the safest one to look at. His face was set with a look of understanding. He understood what it meant when pain was the only release from your demons. Andrew chose that moment to speak up.

“This is your fault. I warned you what would happen. He has no self-control.” Wymack flinched silently. Neil spoke up. “Andrew. Stop. We don’t have time to play the blame game.” As Abby went to work on his stitches Wymack got on the phone and started contacting the rest of the team to cancel practice for the rest of the day. The needle hurt but the pain kept him present. 

Kevin flexed his hand testing its mobility. “Oh, no you are not playing until you have a deep talk with Betsy and aren’t about to self destruct on the field again. We only have room for one mentally unstable player here. No offense Andrew.” Wymack gave a pointed glare toward Kevin’s hand. “Speak of the devil,” Neil said as Betsy Dobson stood at the bottom of the bleachers.

Kevin didn’t particularly have any feeling for Betsy. She was a necessary evil, so he went to the meeting once a semester gave bullshit answers then left. Being a Raven gave him a big distrust with anyone who had a degree in psychology. Especially therapist they could so easily be bought out, he had seen it happen first hand. 

She only smiled, but kevin saw her calculating gaze taking in the scene. Neil went with Wymack to explain the situation, much to Neil’s discomfort but Andrew was only focused on him. Andrews glare told him all he needed to know. He wasn’t getting out of this. Abby finished up the stitches and placed a large bandage over his forearm. “Now don’t get it wet and come back in two days so I can check to make sure its not infected and healing properly.” She stepped back but hesitated as if she wanted to say something else, Andrew cut her off before she even began. 

“Thank you, now go away and grab Bee.” Andrew gave him one more calculating look before he started peeling off Kevin’s Exy armor. Kevin only let him do so much before he took control pulling off his shin guards and shoulder pads. He doubted they would let him shower first so he figured this was the best he was going to get. Neil came back up and brought along Kevin’s sweatshirt. It was just a simple black Nike hoodie but it comforted Kevin. Maybe it was the way the sweatshirt reminded him of the nest or the way it smelled faintly of him. This was Kevin. 

He slowly walked down the stairs toward a smiling Betsy it did nothing to ease his mind.

“ We have talked. We are all concerned your behavior has been erratic and you have been self-destructing. Today was the last straw. I don’t want to force any of my foxes to get help, but…this isn’t only affecting you. It’s affecting your team. I let you do what you wanted last year but, its up to you now to move on and get better.” Wymack smile didn’t reach his eyes as he passed him off to Betsy. “How did I get here?” Kevin thought to himself.

He didn’t want to go but… he needed help. How long could he go on like this? Everything hurts all the time and the alcohol has barley managed to numb his pain. It was time for Kevin to do something for himself for a change. But doubt still nibbled at the back of his mind. Fear raced through his veins like ice. 

He followed Betsy out to her car. He climbed into the front seat. She started the engine and they headed out. No one said anything. Betsy seemed content to just sit in silence as the campus rolled by. They pulled into the parking lot at the clinic. The silence did nothing to deter Kevin’s uneasiness. He climbed out tempted to make a run for it. He highly doubted Betsy would be able to catch him. Before Kevin could commit all he saw was jeans disappointed face and his voice. ‘He has no right to our lives because he’s dead’. Kevin swallowed and followed Betsy into the clinic.  
\--------------  
Kevin was perched on the end of his chair as betsy traipsed around her office putting together hot chocolate even though Kevin had informed her that he would not be having any because he was watching his intake of sugar. She finally sat down placing a steaming mug of hot chocolate loaded to the brim with marshmallows and whip cream. He stared at it as if it would attack him. 

Betsy took a large sip before setting down a tape recorder. “I hope you don’t mind if I record this.” Kevin just shrugged he was used to this song and dance. She smiled before placing her drink back on a coaster. “ there are a few things I want to talk about, but I think we should start of with some easy questions before we get to the harder stuff. M’kay.” She smiled at him in encouragement.

“I want you to know anything you tell me will be confidential unless I feel it endangers either you or another person.” When kevin still didn’t respond she decide to just jump in. “hows your day going kevin. I know you didn’t mind if I called you kevin in the past but just let me know if that changes.”

Kevin was already significantly annoyed. He still felt rubbed raw on the inside. The stress from today was almost too much. “what do you think. I got in a fight, because people couldn’t mind there business and because of that I'm now stuck here.” Kevin didn’t mean for the animosity he was just feeling defensive and exposed. She didn’t seem bothered by that though. “what was the fight about.” She seemed genuinely curious. 

Kevin didn’t know if he should be honest or say just enough to get her of his case. “it was a disagreement between me and another player about what constituted as personal and not personal. We resolved it though so its not important.” Kevin decided to go with the latter. 

“everything is important to me. Who did you fight with?” kevin groaned and sucked on his teeth before answering weighing his options. “I wouldn’t use the word fought we just had a disagreement. It was between me and Matt.” He felt his features smooth into their usual mask he had when he wanted to dissuade people from prying into his personal matters. 

“hmm…” Betsy gave him a calculating look before continuing on. “I though you and the foxes get along.” He felt a smile ghost across his lips. “you know how it is, when your with someone in close proximity for a while you have a bit of growing pains and some small disagreements. All normal. We all get along mostly.” She nodded along giving him her full attention. It felt a bit disconcerting to say the least. The continued on like this for a while as she asked him about the upcoming season, his favorite team, and his plans after college.

She paused after he answered her questions. “remember how I told you I'm going to go easy on you, well now comes the part where the questions might get a little harder. I wanted to add, kevin you know you don’t have to lie to me to dissuade me from the truth I can handle it and I can only help if I know all the details.”  
He didn’t let any emotion show on his face. He considered what she said for a minute. Who would it hurt to tell the truth. Andrew trusts her. Kevin considered his options. “I heard about what happened this afternoon but I wanted to hear your side of the story. Will you share with me what happened?”

kevin regarded her a moment before deciding that he would share some of the truth since neil probably already told her. “I needed to blow off steam and work through some things so I went to the court to practice. I worked through some things but still felt apprehensive so I called my friend to talk it out.” 

Kevin took a breath to gage her reaction she only smiled and nodded along. “you called jean correct?” it didn’t really feel like a question more like a statement so kevin only nodded. 

“yea I called jean. We were talking and I don’t know. I got to involved in my own thoughts and had a panic attack.” That was putting it lightly but kevin wasn’t feeling that generous about sharing all of his information. “what were you thinking about?” Betsy asked earnestly. Kevins face shut down.

“I don’t want to a talk about that.” He looked toward the door slowly feeling caged in by her questioning. She only looked at him in understanding before changing topics. “don’t worry we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. You talked about Jean. Why was he the person you decide to call out of all your friends?” 

kevin didn’t want to talk about jean at all with this lady. He knew he would have to answer something so that he could get out of here. His skin was starting to crawl. “jean and me have an interesting relationship. We understand each other.” Kevin decided a neutral answer was best.

“you both grew up at the nest yes? But when jean came in the spring he didn’t decide to stay here. At the time, if I remember correctly, you were adamant about him leaving.” Kevin didn’t hear a question so he didn’t respond. “why didn’t you want to jean stay here if you are close enough that he was the first one you decided to call for advice?”

‘she didn’t hold back her punches at all’ kevin decided. “as I said we have an interesting relationship. We were both to close to the situation to be able to work together and he needed time to work through some stuff away from the reminders of what he was running from.” Betsy wasted no time in replying. 

“are you one of those reminders. Do you believe you are something Jean needs to run from?” kevin immediately got defensive. Betsy didn’t know anything about them. He calmed down. Not responding would be an answer so he quickly tried to rebuttal.

“I never hurt Jean, I don’t know what your insinuating. I would never hurt jean I lov…” kevin stopped himself. “he is family. I care deeply for him as he does for me.” Kevin felt his temper starting to flare again.

“I didn’t say anything about you hurting him, let me rephrase that question. What do you feel responsible about that you cant face being with jean again?” that question stung more than he wanted it to. He never thought of it like that.

Jean…

He cleared his throat before responding. “I left him…he needed me and I left. Who knows what he did to him. I… he…” kevin couldn’t face the guilt that clawed its way up his throat. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to go hide in a bottle again. 

Betsy didn’t relent she kept pushing. “why would Riko do something to jean? How is it your fault if he did?” she didn’t understand. Kevin could feel himself shaking he didn’t want to think about it anymore. “kevin?”

“it my fault…he didn’t care about him utill I…I…” kevin could barley stay present all he could see is the pain that scarred jeans body all because of him and his inability to have any self control. “kevin. Rikos dead. Whatever he decided to do to jean when you weren’t there isn't your fault. What do you think you did ?” Betsy prodded gently she could see him getting frantic. 

Kevins eyes bounced from the clock to the door. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He wanted to go now. “kevin I just need you to answer this question then you can go… you have to talk to me. What did you do that hurt him.” Betsy tried again. 

Kevin couldn’t, he closed up. The guilt was too much. He tried to be strong but it was too hard. She was offering him a way out all he had to do wa-NO he couldn’t. he was too scared to even voice what happened. She would blame him too. The guilt and blame from one person was too much as it is. 

“kevin, whatever you think you did, its not your fault. I wont blame you. You just need to tell me what happened.” His breath was becoming strangled. But Betsy looked at him with such kindness and concern he wanted to believe her. “I… I…” his voice sounded strange to his own ears. He grabbed his hands to stop them from shaking. 

He had to be brave she said she wouldn’t blame him. It was to great a weight on kevins conscious he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. 

“He hurt him because I wanted him. I wanted him and he found out. I wasn’t allowed to have anything. He told me not to but I… I disobeyed him, and I…” kevins voice had gotten quieter as he tried to say what he didn’t want to admit. “I kissed him… and he found out and…there was so much blood. I was the reason for all his pain and suffering. Me. How can he even stand me .” Betsy face was shocked as kevin was taken away to his memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun surprise.  
> in this story Matt is not going to be the answers to Kevin's prayers and immediately make everything better because thats not how life works. i believe that if you look for the answer in someone else your always going to be disappointed and its not healthy. So... if Kevins going to get better he has to be the one to decide that and work for it. thats all folks!!


	8. All of the People I Learned to Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was Beta'd by the Lovely Kavinnskyy (kavinnskyy.tumblr.com)  
> Sorry for the very very late update!  
> I am a mess as usual.  
> Warning For all Readers, this chapter discusses more mature themes. It doesn't get very explicit but nevertheless read the TAGS!!!!! at the end i will give a short summary of what happens if you chose to skip this chapter!!  
> WARNING READ THE TAGS!!!!!!  
> also don't forget to follow Kavinnskyy on tumblr!!!

They were just children. Barely 13. Riko was gone for the summer, something about going to Japan to visit relatives and an attempt for him to try and get his father's recognition. Kevin didn’t care he and Jean had the whole summer without Riko down their throats. No exy, no school, no Riko. It was bliss. 

The first month had been filled with movie nights, lazy days, and trips to the swimming pool. It was the first time in a while that Kevin remembered that he could breathe and feel like a normal kid. 

Him and Jean had spent the weekend at the beach. They had gone with some of the older Ravens to spend some time at one of their beach house on the Virginia coast. It was the first time Kevin could remember meeting other kids his age and hanging out without being by Riko’s side. It was the first summer with Jean. He had come out of his shell, he never had seen Jean smile before. It was breathtaking.

Half the time Jean spent teaching Kevin french. It felt like a dirty secret shared between two friends. It sounded beautiful as it rolled off of his tongue so effortless while kevin stumbled through every word. It was worth it to hear the french boy laugh each time Kevin butchered a word or phrase. It was freedom, Jean was never allowed to speak any french when Riko was present. Kevin remembered how he just stayed silent because he could barely speak any english when he first came to Evermore. He was slowly getting better after Kevin snuck him a english for beginners book, against Riko’s wishes of course. They had spent the weekend splashing in the waves and playing beach volleyball with kids from the neighboring houses, while the older teens drank and partied on the beach. 

They were on the floor of the living room huddled in sleeping bags facing each other while Jean tried to explain imparfait to him. It was there that Kevin realized that he wanted to know what Jean’s lips tasted like. As Jean’s hot breath tickled his nose and his r’s rolled into each and his th’s came out like z’s. It was a new feeling to Kevin, one he hadn’t experienced before. How even surrounded by attractive females wearing bikinis his eyes always found Jean as he laughed loudly or splashed water into Kevin's face.

“Kevin, Kev, are you listening to me.” Jean broke him out of his thoughts but Kevin couldn’t form words he just kept staring at the freckles that spanned across Jeans nose. “What? Kev what is? You’re looking at me weird.” Kevin met Jeans eyes as he furrowed his brow confusion written across his features. “Jean, I….” Kevin didn’t know how to formulate what he wanted. Jean looked at him waiting for him to continue.

“This doesn't mean anything, I just… I wanted to know what it feels like. I… Can I kiss you?” Jean seemed shocked, and Kevin hurriedly tried to explain himself. “It’s just that I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I don’t know if I will ever get to choose who it will be with. And I don’t know, I want it to be my choice when it happens,not Riko’s. And if I do kiss someone I want to know what I’m doing.” Kevin finally took a breath as Jean just stared at him before looking away. Kevin held his breath waiting for the rejection and prepared to pass it off as a horrible joke to try and salvage their friendship. What he wasn’t expecting was for Jean to look back at him with a glint in his eyes and nod. Kevin eyes went wide as he leant in only to stop. “Umm… I don’t really know what I'm doing, obviously… Umm so I'm just going to try my best….okay…alright…here goes nothing.”

Kevin held his breath as he leaned in till he could see every speck of green in Jeans eyes. He subconsciously licked his lips as his head tilted down and he awkwardly brushed Jeans lips. It was short and chaste as he pulled back. Jean just watched him as Kevin slowly pulled back far enough that he could still feel Jeans breath on his lips but so that he could see Jean's reaction clearly. “Umm… that was uh…” Kevin awkwardly rubbed his lips as if to get rid of the tingly feeling. Jean cleared his throat and spoke up “That didn’t feel right. I think you're supposed to do more than just touch lips. Maybe we should try again?” 

Kevin looked up with apprehension. He shrugged. “It's worth a shot. Maybe just once more.” He looked at Jean's lips with determination. He leaned in again this time when their lips brushed Kevin tried angling his head so that his lips encompassed Jeans lower lip as he put a bit more force into the kiss. Jean let out a soft gasp as he reached up hesitantly to grab Kevin’s face between his hands. Their teeth clashed awkwardly as Jean parted his lips more. Kevin kept going despite that. He couldn't think about what the consequences were, just that in this time and in this moment. Warm hands were holding his face so gently, he smelled like salt water, and Jean tasted like marshmallows and firewood. 

Jean pulled back first as Kevin chased his lips. Jean put a hand on Kevin's chest holding him back as they both caught their breaths. Kevin hand went up and brushed his lips lightly. He felt warm and gooey inside. Jean pupils were blown wide as the light from the tv danced over his face. “That was…” Kevin started to say. Jeans brows became pinched as he bit his lip. ‘I just had that lip in my mouth’ was the only thing Kevin could think of in that moment. “We can't do that ever again. Kevin, promise me we won’t do that again. Riko will kill us.” Jean's voice sounded strained as he pitched his volume into a whisper. 

The magnitude of what they had just done finally hit Kevin. This was blatant defiance against Riko. Kevins heart hammered in his chest he wasn’t sure if it was because of the kiss or the fear of Riko. Kevin decided in that moment he didn’t care if Riko would kill them as long as it meant that he could go on tasting Jean’s lips and feeling Jean’s soft palms against his cheek. Kevin would face an army for that feeling to never go away. But a feeling of dread grew in Kevin's stomach. “What if I want to do it again?” Kevin whispered as if sharing a dirty secret. “Ah la vache” Jean put his head in his hands hiding his face from view. “Kevin, we can't.” 

“We can. Tell me you want to stop. Not because of Riko or what people will think. Tell me you want to stop only if you don’t want it. I don’t care about Riko, it can be our secret, like french. But only tell me you don’t want it if you don’t feel anything.” Where Kevin was getting his courage from he didn’t know. But one thing he did know is that this felt too good to be wrong. Jean finally looked up. shocked. “I want it…I’m just scared. I'm so scared Kevin.” Jean layed down on his back as he stared at the ceiling looking for answers. Kevin mimicked him as he reached out his hand finding Jean’s he squeezed it letting the warmth from his hand covered in calluses grip jeans smooth cold hands. “I’ll protect you. Nothing will happen, I promise.”

Kevin was wrong. Everything went well for a while until Riko came back from Japan angry and unannounced. He found them. Maybe he noticed how Jean couldn’t stop touching Kevin or the fact that that Kevin couldn’t stop looking at Jeans lips whenever he talked. It didn’t matter like all good things Kevin ever wanted they were destroyed. Riko discovered their rendez-vous in the gear room. He was furious.

All kevin remembered was that one of the older players grabbed him as Riko went after Jean with a bat. Kevin tried to struggle against the hands that held him back as he screamed and pleaded with Riko that it meant nothing, and that they were just fooling around. He remembered screaming ‘till his voice was hoarse as Riko kept going until Jean passed out. Kevin begged for Riko to punish him instead. Riko finally acknowledged Kevin as tears streamed down his face. Riko grabbed his cheek sharply, his breath hot and eyes sharp. 

“Now, now Kevin we know what happens when you try to be above your station. This sneaking around is so unbecoming. Jean knew what would happen if he touched what was mine.” A cruel smile snaked across Riko’s face. Kevin had never truly felt fearful of Riko until that moment. “Don’t worry Kevin, we will cure you of this real quickly. We both know what would happen to you if the Master found out about your preferences. Amanda has sacrificed herself to the cause because you are one of our invaluable assets. Now, I can't say the same for Jean on the other hand.” Riko motioned towards the bloody lump on the floor. Kevin felt like a trapped animal. He had promised Jean. 

“So why don’t you be a good boy and do what Amanda tells you and I will consider having someone help Jean. Hmmm? What do you say to that? I'm being generous right now Kevin, so decide quickly.” Kevin couldn’t do anything but nod. Jean needed immediate medical attention and if that meant going along with whatever sick game Riko wanted then that’s what Kevin would do because he broke a promise and he intended to make it up. Riko’s smile grew impossibly wider. “Good. Jackson, take Jean to the team nurse. Tell her no anesthetic until Kevin follows through to my satisfaction. Amanda please take Kevin back to your room.” Kevin looked at Amanda, eyes wide. She was a junior at Evermore, sold to the Moriyama's after her mother was murdered for skimming money from the books. Kevin was dragged from the room, as his eyes stared at Jean’s unmoving form until he was taken around the corner. There was no use fighting back. He wouldn’t win. 

That night Kevin's mind left his body. No matter what Riko had Amanda do all he could think about was this was Jean. No matter what, he owed Jean. This was his fault. Riko's voice tickled his ear, reaffirming Kevin's guilt as tears dripped down his face. After what felt like years but was only 5 hours, it ended. Despite the pain, Kevin hobbled to the infirmary clad only in a tshirt and shorts that chafed against his his injuries each time he took a step. He made it to the nurse's room. His eyes found Jean immediately. He was covered in bruises and gauze. His arm was in a cast. His skin was a canvas of blues and purples. But he looked better after he was allowed pain medicine. He looked peaceful in his sleep.

Kevin limped to Jean’s bedside as reached for his hand but stopped halfway. Kevin had no right to even talk or touch Jean after what he did to him. This was his fault. Angry tears raced down his face as he sobbed into his hands. He slid to the floor despite the pain. He couldn’t stand on his legs anymore as he cried and cried. His wails woke Jean and he looked down to find Kevin curled into a trembling ball sobbing. Kevin felt a hand curl into his hair. He flinched and whimpered until he realized it was Jean. He looked up. Jean tried to smile but it looked grotesque on his bruise riddled face. Jean pulled him up onto the small exam bed. Kevin continued to cry into Jeans chest as his body shook with his sobs. Jean just held him with his soft hands as he whispered soft french into Kevin's ear. 

They both knew that this would be the last time they would ever be able to hold each other like this. They both knew that this night had broken them in two different but horrible ways. They both knew that Kevin would be gone by the morning, but neither boy could find it in themselves to care, because in this moment both boys just needed to be held. Kevin finally pulled away and got up. He limped to the door as Jean's eyes followed him. Kevin knew that he knew what happened to him after he passed out. They both didn’t say anything as Kevin left and didn’t look back.

 

-*-  
Kevin thought of the past as he trembled but his resolve didn’t shake. “no…No I'm done. I'm not talking about this…I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Kevin pushed up from the chair as he headed for the door. Betsy got up and went after him. He paused as he reached for her doorknob as her voice called after him. “Kevin, I…, “ she sighed before continuing. “ I can't release you to play because I believe right now you are a danger to others and especially yourself. We are done for today, but I need you to be honest with yourself and others. Keeping your emotions closed up is not good for you or those around you.” 

Kevin’s hand gripped the doorknob hard enough to where he could hear it break. He flung open the door. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Do you understand? I will do what it takes for you to sign off on me but, I will not talk about him. Do not bring him up again, or I will leave. I do not care about you not signing off on me. I could transfer to whatever college I want to and I won't hesitate. He is off limits, got it?” Kevin's voice turned to ice. 

“ Alright, I won't bring him up. I will see you tomorrow at 2 to continue our session, but Kevin please consider why-” Kevin didn't wait for her to finish. He yanked the door open and marched into the waiting room where he found Wymack sitting on the chair outside the office. Wymack motioned for him to follow him outside to his car that was waiting in the parking lot. Kevin climbed in angrily. Wymack started the car but paused before backing out. He turned to Kevin. Kevin looked pointedly out the window. “She won't fucking clear me.” Kevin seethed, who did she think she was? 

He couldn’t afford to spend a single minute off the court. Wymack just hummed as if he expected this. “You're taking it better than I thought you would.” Kevin stared at his coach. He knew, he fucking knew how this would go. Kevin growled as he felt like punching the dashboard. Wymack pulled up to Fox tower. Before he could say anything Kevin marched out of the car and into the lobby. He jammed his finger into the elevator button. As the doors chimed softly and opened. He got to his floor and marched through the tackily painted walls with posters and whiteboards lining the hallway. He stared at Andrew and Neil’s door debating cussing them out or going to bed. He decide on the latter. He pushed his key in the lock and pushed open the door to the dark, dorm living room. He toed off his shoes and made his way to his and Matt's shared room.

The light in the room was on Matt clearly having a heads up that Kevin was back and not in a good mood. Matt sat criss crossed on his bed as he watched Kevin change into a large t-shirt that hung off his shoulders and out of his workout shorts. Kevin heaved a sigh as he climbed onto his bed already preparing himself for Matts curiosity. “Hey.” Kevin just grunted in response as he searched for his Jack Daniels bottle that he knew he hid in his bedside desk. “The others said not to ask so I won't but… I just want to make sure you're okay. And you know that you can come to me with any problem.” Matt sounded sincere but Kevin was not in the mood. “Well, unless you can convince Betsy to sign off on me playing…” Kevin gave up on finding his bottle of alcohol as he threw his arm over his head trying to block out all the negative thoughts crawling up his throat. 

“What?! You’re not serious? She's not letting you play? What did you say to her? I mean, what could you have possibly done? She's letting Andrew and Neil play for christ’s sake.” Kevin was too tired and frustrated to try and puzzle out how he was going to dig his way out of this pile of shit. He groaned. “Matt can I use your phone will quick? I don’t have mine right now.” Matt seemed puzzled at the change of topic but just nodded and passed it over between the two beds. Their hands brushed briefly as Kevin took the phone and opened up a new message. He typed out what he wanted to say and pressed send already having the number memorized by heart. He passed the phone back to Matt then rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head and tried to go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER SUMMARY- Kevin recollects when he and Jean first got together.   
> they kiss and when Riko comes back he discovers that they are "together"(they never officially were dating just messing around) he beats up jean who has to go to the nurse then Kevin is forced to do NOT OKAY things with an older raven.(i do not go into detail!!! this is in here as a way to propel the story and explain future plot points i do not condone any of that type of behavior) kevin feels guilt because he promised jean that nothing would happen but shit happened anyways. Kevin dosent discuss any of this with betsy and instead leaves and tells her to not bring it up again. Betsy tells him that she cant sign off on him playing. Kevins angry goes to bed and texts someone(it will become relevant who he texts in the next chapter.)  
> the End.


	9. Where you Been Hiding from the News? Because we've Been Fighting Lately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im back with a slightly longer chapter.  
> this Fic will most likely be slowburn with slow as fuck updates :)

Kevin woke slowly to voices and soft banging that traveled through the wall. He felt exhausted as if he had just run a 16k. He groaned as the sunlight filtered through the dorm window. Kevin wondered how long he had slept as he went to grab his phone to check the time. The events of yesterday came back as a pounding headache. He would have to go buy a new phone and redownload all of his old contacts. ‘Well you’ve got the time now’ he thought bitterly. He wasn't sure if he was more mad at himself, Betsy, or David for agreeing with her. He didn't have the time or the energy to work through this particular problem with no substance so, he decided to get up.   
He stumbled out of his warm bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants he found on the floor. Kevins motivation to try and find a clean pair of pants was lacking. He walked into the living room, ready to go to the fridge and grab a green smoothie and a ginger shot. He walked past the small group that had apparently gathered in his shared living room. Allison as usual was dressed to impress wearing an odd ensemble of overall shorts and a pastel crop that somehow worked for her. Next to her sat Renee who, was already into an argument with Dan about if sunny D counted as real orange juice. Kevin could care less though. He walked past giving a slight nod of acknowledgement to Renee. He stopped short when he heard a snort of laughter from Allison. He looked at her questioningly, as she continued to dive into peals of laughter. He stopped confused. 

“Nice pants dumbass.” She called out at him. At this point both Renee and Dan stopped and looked at Kevin's pants. Renee smiled softly as a her laugh rang out clear as a bell and Dan managed to get out a wolf whistle before she had to hold her side from laughing so hard. Kevin didn’t get it, did he have his pants on backward, was there an embarrassing stain, a hole in the crotch. His eyes finally found the reason for the laughter. Where he would expect a #2 Day on the side of the black sweatpants he saw a #4 Boyd written in block letters with fox paw prints trailing up the sides. He flushed immediately. His brain failed to process the fact that he had picked up the wrong pants from the ground. Kevin had thought that they were a little big on him but he just didn’t think anything of it. ‘today could not get any worse’ he thought. He was about to make a hasty retreat back to his room willing to sacrifice his morning shake in order to hide from their suggestive winks and whistles. But as kevin's luck usually was, Matt of course chose that moment to walk around the corner from the kitchenette drawn by the girls laughter. He turned to look at kevin in puzzlement still holding a sauce pan with scrambled eggs. His eyes drifted from kevins face to the sweatpants that hung low on his hips. ‘His sweatpants’ Kevin reminded himself. Kevin was sure his face was as red as a tomato. A light blush rose over Matt's cheekbones as he took in Kevin's appearance. Kevin quickly put on a confident face and crossed his arms over his chest as if asking ‘Problem?’. Kevin did not handle mortification well at all so he quickly fell back on what he knew. ‘Fake it till you make kevin’ he told himself. 

Matt seemed to lose his entire train of thought a look of shock overtaking his features. ‘Oh no,’ kevin thought. ‘I’m going to die. Matthew Boyd is going to kill me.’ Allison of course decided to chime in again, since she seemed to regain control over herself. “OMG, I never thought I would see you sink to the level of Neil and Andrew. Was the sex good atleast?” she punctuated that statement with a wink. Kevin knew his face looked akin to horror at just what she was implying. He sputtered before responding. “Seriously, can you stop being gross. Look I was tired and this idiot is a child who leaves his clothes laying around. I wasn't paying attention. Sorry I wanted to cover myself so I did not scandalize my unwelcome house guests.” He punctuated this all with an accusing finger at Matt who awkwardly rubbed his neck. Kevin wasn't sure where he was getting his backbone. He figured it was probably Neil rubbing off on him. “Calm down your highness, we are just joking. Besides we are here for you, a thank you would go a long way.” Allison managed to look down her nose at him. He was speechless at her audacity.

How did her invading his personal space at ass o’clock in the morning “help” him. He was about to voice his complaints when Dan chose that moment to speak up. “What she means,” She gave a pointed look to allison who feigned indifference. “Is that we heard what happened with Betsy. So we all decide to distract you from all of this mess by kidnapping you and bringing you to the new amusement park that opened up in Columbia. So that means go get dressed. Take a shower, you smell.” she sniffed her nose disdainfully. He just rolled his eyes and was about to rebuttal her statement. He was not in the mood for socializing with them and going to an amusement park. “Coach Wymack said you have to. It's a whole team bonding thing. Neil’s idea actually. So just know that before you try and make some excuse about how you don't want to go.” Dan smiled evilly as she gently shoved him toward the bathroom. He didn't see any clear way out of this. In his experience it's best to listen to dan when she gets an idea. Trying to fight her never turns out well. ‘An amusement park, really’ he thought bitterly.

Although, it wasn't a bad idea there was large divide between the newcomers and the old team. Kevin figured it was do to the shared trauma everyone suffered and the cohesiveness that they all had finally managed once Andrew and the gang decided to atleast try not to kill the upperclassman. The new recruits were still not used to the odd behavior of everyone on the team and spending time together, as much as kevin detested it, would be good. 

Kevin didn't find amusement parks fun anymore. Maybe it was because the only time he went was when riko and him were still together. He remembers falling in love with the bright lights and crazy smells, but now all of those memories were tainted. The bright lights seemed annoying and the smells had made him nauseous. He was not excited, but there was no getting around this. He just sucked it up and moved on. He relaxed in the shower letting his muscles uncoil and stretch as the heat hit him searing his skin. Wasting no time in the shower he quickly scrubbed himself off and jumped out, not wanting to piss Dan off even more by being late. He grabbed a towel and ran to his room. 

Kevin stared at his clothes for 7 min trying to figure out what to wear. Normally he would wear workout clothes but, based on the girls and Matt's attire he figured he needed something more appropriate. This would be his first time out in public this summer so he wanted to look nice in case paps or fans wanted photos. He debated back in forth over jeans or shorts but in the end he decided to go for shorts it was hot out and he didn't want to be caught wearing jeans. After much deliberation he decided to go with an outfit Thea had made him buy the last time they went shopping. It was a pair of tan shorts paired with a filas shirt and a slim navy bomber jacket, topped off with a pair of the new adidas floral Stan Smiths in black. He checked his hair in the mirror before he grabbed his wallet and put on a watch. Without his phone his back pocket felt empty. He made a mental note to pick up a new phone on his way back from the park. He left the room after one more assessing look in the mirror.   
“Damn, Kevin who knew you owned anything besides adidas running shorts. You clean up nicely although you're wearing a total fuck boy shirt.” Allison piped up already strutting over to link arms with him and drag him out of the dorm. He just groaned and rolled his eyes. The ravens always had to know how to dress. On the odd chance they were granted permission to be seen out in public they had to be able to look nice and keep up with the newest trends. It seemed he was the last one out. Everyone was waiting in the hallway for him it seemed. Kevin spotted Neils auburn curls and immediately went to go over there, but before he could Allisons nails dug into his arm. “N’ah kevin day, today you are my arm candy. I refuse to be seen with those emos over there.” she flippantly threw her hand in the direction of Andrews lot who even Kevin had to agree were all wearing various shades of black. Well, all except Nicky who was dressed in bright colors much like Allison. “Plus do you really want to be stuck with Andrew and Neil, they will probably be off lurking in some dark corner smoking and making out, you could always go with aaron but he's bringing katelyn so you know how that's going to end. Nicky is going with Dan and renee and the new recruits to try and bond. So… you're my best option, your only moderately annoying but you're pretty so I can deal with it. Also I can help you field away questions about Riko when the fans decide to swarm.” Allison smiled sweetly at him as he was led forcefully into the elevator and out the front doors of fox tower. 

She wasn't wrong so Kevin just decide to shrug and glare off in the distance. She patted him gently on the cheek and dragged him into her convertible. He barely had time to buckle his seatbelt before she sped out of the parking lot, her music blasting through her speakers. He honestly didn't mind Allison she wasn't a bad player and was one of the only members of the team who understood what it was like always being under the scrutiny of the public eye. She was also the only person besides Andrew who didn't constantly ask if he was okay and treat him like he was fragile. He had been through shit but that didn't mean he was weak. He knew that they were all being that way because they cared but it was suffocating. Kevin spent the car ride relaxing and breathing in as the wind ripped through his hair and fun music blared through the speakers. The silence was nice and it felt like freedom; being able to go over 80 with the wind in his hair and a heavy bass line playing in the background. The silence didn't last forever. “So how did you manage to wear Matts pants.” She asked looking down her sunglasses as she exited the freeway. “Stop looking into things that aren't there. It was an accident we basically live on top of each other.” He answered annoyance clear in his tone. “Oh really, could have fooled me since you are never at the dorm. It's like you are avoiding us.” Kevin took back every good thought he had about Allison. He did not want to talk about it at the moment. “You're reading too much into it! I have just been really stressed about being on top of my game.” He sounded tired even to his own ears. 

“Look Kevin it… it just hurts Matt's feelings okay. I said I wasn't going to say anything but… look at the end of the season we had all gotten closer you might even call us friends. Now the only one who talks to us are Nicky and Neil and even then Neil is so preoccupied with exy and coming up with a testimony for the FBI’s public case. All I'm saying is don't shut us out. Believe it or not sometimes I actually like your personality .” Kevin laughed at that. Allison had told him once that he had the personality of a brick. “Sometimes okay!!” Allison huffed indignantly. “Thanks Allison!!” He sneered sarcastically, “And hey. You're not that bad!” She laughed loudly a she slapped his arm friendly. Kevin couldn't control his laughter either. He had never laughed this hard in all of his life as he did in that moment in Allison's bright pink convertible. They got themselves under control finally. “ you know what I'm thirsty!” She declared loudly. She looked at him and he just shrugged. She rolled her eyes and swung the car dangerously into a small little stand off the road advertising slushes.

“Hi, can I get a red cherry slushee and this weirdo will take a cola slushee.” Kevin looked at her in shock. ‘Did she seriously just order for me.’ Rang through his head. “what? you seem like one of those boys who likes the boring flavors.” She smiled brightly at him. Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. The moment was shattered when the boy working the stand practically threw himself out of the window. “Omg!! Your Kevin day right!” The window didn't let him go far. But he seemed hellbent on testing the elasticity of it by himself by pushing out as far as he could in order to get a closer look. Kevin immediately put on his award winning smile. He saw Allison next to him rolling her eyes at the complete 180 his face made. “Are you a fan of exy?” Kevin smiled through the discomfort he felt. He hated running into fans when he was out in public. 

It's not that he hated the fans he loved the fact that they loved exy as much as he did and supported him, but as of late all they could seem to ask about was how he was handling Rikos death. “ yea dude huge fan. This is crazy!! I saw the tattoo and just knew. Too see you in the flesh!! I went to almost most of your games when you played with the Ravens. I was devastated when you left to join the foxes.” He snorted as he said the foxes as if they were a joke. That immediately rubbed Kevin the wrong way. His smile turned tight lipped. ‘So he's going to be one of those fans.’ Kevin thought bitterly. 

There were 3 types of fans: This who liked him because of his face and not his actual talent, those who were obsessed with the ravens and took it as a personal betrayal that he left to join the foxes, and the third, the one he preferred the most, the ones who supported him no matter what and were just happy he was still playing. Those ones always seemed to be the most polite and respectful. The others not so much. “Like what happened man!! I know you got in an accident, I literally cried. But then you left the ravens your home team. You joined the foxes, arguably one of the worst teams in D1. You can't seriously stay there. The entire team is fucked up dead weight!! The ravens need you man especially with what happened with Riko. I mean he was so sad you left him that… well anyway you owe him to play for the ravens!” This wasn't new to Kevin he had heard the same versions of this spiel multiple times. He just smiled through the anger about to answer with one of his usual responses: thank them for their “condolences”, apologize for leaving the ravens and explaining how he can't leave the foxes because he signed a contract and they need him right now and the grief is still to sore for him to play for the team that Riko and him loved. Before he could start Allison let out an outraged squeak her eyes narrowing through this entire conversation. 

“Are you fucking serious.” Allison snarled Kevin quickly jumped in before it could escalate. “ Allison. It's fine. Sorry, your support means a lot. It was really hard to bounce back from the injury I had nowhere to turn. Your condolences mean a lot. Riko was like a brother to me. I feel his loss everyday.” Kevin put on a fake sad look and moved his eyes to the distance as if the grief was fighting to consume him. “I… it's just hard to go back to the one place that reminds me of him. I signed a contract with the Foxes and Riko would want me to keep to it. Thank you so much for continuing to watch my games despite the team switch it means a lot.” Kevin smiled at him hoping to god that Allison would keep her mouth shut and just let Kevin handle this. It wasn't the first of the last time Kevin would be hearing this exact same sentiment. Getting angry or making a huge deal would just draw unwanted attention. 

“If you want we could take a photo?” The server looked unsure and side eyed Allison, but his desire for a photo with one of the sons of exy outgrew his reaction to Allison’s outburst. He nodded along as he reached for his cell phone. Kevin glanced at Allison to see her face set in an unhappy frown. He tried to give her a pleading look which just made her frown deepen. Kevin got out of the car and leaned next to the window to take the photo. He tried not to cringe when the mans arm wrapped around his shoulder. He put on his most award winning smile and waited for it to be over. “Thanks man this means a lot!!” He exclaimed loudly. “Not trying to be rude but your girlfriend is kinda bitch.” He fake whispered into Kevin's ear giving a nasty look to Allison. That was the last straw for Kevin. Insult him all you like but when you go for Allison that's another thing. “Look bud I have been really nice to you even though you brought up my dead brother, which low blow. Watch who you're speaking too that is the best dealer in D1 and she owns heels bigger than your dick. You interrupted us on our date night and I think she's handling your rudeness quite well considering the things you have said to me in the last 5 mins. So how bout you just give us our drinks and i'll pretend you didn't just call my girlfriend a bitch? okay?!!” Kevin could feel his blood boiling. He didn't care who you were you don't talk to another human being especially one of his friends like that. He knew Allison could have handled it but he was done with the guys attitude. “Look dude im sorry!Really, here just take these on the house.” he looked around nervously to see if anyone had seen what had just transpired. He was atleast smart enough to not challenge Kevin. Kevin could be intimidating when he wanted to, he was 6ft 3 and was a pretty muscular guy. He gave up all pretense of civility as he snatched his drinks from the shocked servers hands and climbed back into Allison's car giving him one last dirty look as Allison stepped on the gas. 

“I can not believe that guy!! Kevin what the fuck!!” Allison exclaimed loudly. “Did you seriously just apologize for leaving that abusive monster!!” “Allison please just drop it!”his voice strained as he tried to fight off his anger. He bottled it up and shoved deep down we're it couldn't hurt anybody. He was tired. He knew it was a mistake going out to the amusement park. “I mean I don't even care that he called me a bitch!! How dare he try to say that you're the reason Riko wanted to kill himself!! What a fucking asshole!!” Allison kept going. “Allison please drop it.” Something must have shown in his voice because she stopped glanced over at him then focused back on the road. “Fine. Subject change. Got it. Let's just ignore that. Okay. Subject change hmm? Well how about this. How are you and Thea?” Kevin groaned low in his throat. Allison fixed him with a hard gaze. “Pick we are either going to talk about what the hell just happened or you are going to talk about the other thing that you refuse to talk about. Thea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Gang Im back with a subpar chapter.   
> Sorry about the horrible fashion in this chapter. I know nothing about fashion i literally only wear ripped jeans and sweaters(due to where i live the weather stays below 50 for 9 months of the year) so sorry in advance.  
> some Kallison friendship yay!  
> also if y'all haven't noticed my chapter titles are based on whatever song i was listening to when i wrote the chapter.  
> right now I have just been listening to Ben Howard on repeat.


	10. All I Am Is the Bones You Made For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it has been a while hasn't it. I kinda abandoned this story but I might try posting a couple chapters. I got a really nice comment from MyownFairytale and they inspired me to post another couple more chapters. I had lost a lot of motivation to post because i thought it wasn't that good. Thank you to everyone who commented and gave it Kudos and thank you for that very lovely comment! <3!

“Why do we have to talk about anything?” Kevin pleaded. Allison looked unimpressed with his complaints. She gave him a pointed glare as her hands tightened around the steering wheel. Kevin decided to just bite the bullet and talk. It was better than the alternative. 

“There is no more me and Thea. She dumped me in june.” Allison gave him a calculating look. “I already know that, it was all over social media and the tabloids. What really happened?” he groaned running a hand down his face. 

“She made me choose, I tell her everything and agree to get help or we can't be together anymore.” Kevin sighed. “She just wanted to help but…” Kevin rubbed his hand down his face and took a sip of his slushie. He distracted himself with stirring it in a clockwise motion, the fake sugar smell repulsed him and enticed him at the same time. Allison look unimpressed with his statement from the driver's seat. She changed lanes and moved her manicured hands as if to say go on. 

“Look...Okay we just… we just don't work.” Kevins face soured. “Me and her, well we aren't the best people and I think that's why it worked at first. I could be myself with her and she could be herself. But I don't know. There was always this unspoken resentment from her. She would get mad if I wouldn't open up and didn't want to talk about it. She thought that because we both went through Riko that what happened to me wasn't that bad. That nothing that I could tell her would be as bad as I was making it out to be… and I don’t know.” Kevin bit his lip. He hated thinking about their years spent dating. “She would push and push...and at first it was okay because I thought that was what I needed but after a while it just…” 

Thea was an amazing women who wanted to take on the world by herself but she never understood why Kevin wasn't as aggressive. She initiated everything in their relationship she thought the only way Kevin would get over something is if he faced his fears head on.

“I think it's a good thing that we broke up. She needs someone who can meet her needs and its not me. I guess I’m too emotionally stunted to be in a relationship. She was right.” Kevin was to afraid to look at Allison. It was hard for him to voice his fears to himself nevertheless out loud. 

“Are you kidding me!?” Allison squawked “That's Bullshit!!” Kevin finally looked over shocked by her outburst. Allison's eyes were fire behind her sunglasses. Her hands gripped the steering wheel in anger. Her face was twisted in a frown. “Now listen here Day. I don't care if she's the fucking Queen of England she's a bitch. She needs to grow up and realize that a relationship is a two way street. You can't just expect someone to open up to you and tell you everything it takes time and trust. Then she gets mad because you don't want to talk about all the abuse you went through.” Allison let out a sardonic laugh. “That's typical emotionally abusive tendencies. Then to give you an ultimatum. Ha… I'm glad you broke up. She is not worth it.” Allison punctuated this by flipping her hair and motioning aggressively. 

 

“I don't kn-” Kevin started. “Do not finish that sentence. Dear god… Kevin you have a lot of issues believe me...but trust me when I say this. You shouldn't need to do something you're uncomfortable with in order to keep a relationship. If they really like you or god forbid love you, they will accept you for who you are and not pressure you.” she huffed. “Look I’m sorry for bringing this up. I didn't realize the can of worms I was opening. Don't feel pressured to talk to me about this, but I know alot about abusive relationships and I’m here for you. Before Seth I… I let people do a lot of things to me and let them get away with a lot of things.” A frown creased her face. 

She turned and looked at him and put a tentative hand on his arm. “If you want to talk to me I’m here. I know a lot of people say that but I mean it.” she got quiet for a minute. “And if you need someone to update your wardrobe please. Call me.” Kevin snorted. “There is nothing wrong with my wardrobe this is in style.” “Yeah if your a 16 year old boy.” 

They settled into a more comfortable silence as Kevin smiled and turned up the radio. She arched an eyebrow at him. “What I like this song.” He crossed his arms and took another sip of his slushie self consciously. Their ride continued in comfortable silence.

Allisons bright pink convertible whipped off the freeway and down the road that led to the park. There were bright signs with happy families and groups of teens promoting the Amusement park. Kevin scoffed, but for some reason a smile crept onto his face. They pulled into the parking lot, gravel crunching under Allisons tires. They looked for parking and found a suitable spot next to Andrews car.

Andrew and his lot were already there. Andrew leaning against his car smoking a cigarette in annoyance. Apparently he remembered that you couldn't smoke in the park so he decide to smoke as many cigarettes as he could before they went inside. He was already at 3. 

They only had to wait a little bit before Renee pulled up in her new subaru and Matt pulled up in his huge truck. They parked and everyone climbed out. Kevin thought it was weird that Dan chose to ride with Renee instead of Matt but didn't comment on it. “Its none of my business.” he thought to himself. 

Dan clapped loudly. “Alright everyone!” Neil stepped up beside her. “So we paired everyone off into groups. Stay with your groups and don't get lost.” Dan passed out maps to everyone. “Now we are meeting at the Barnyard diner at 2 for food. Alright I need everyone to repeat that. When are we meeting?” There was a chorus of “2” from most of the group except for Andrew who looked bored and Kevin who just stared in annoyance. “Don't be late and stay with your group!” Dan added.

“Alright here are the groups we tried to split you up randomly: Aaron, Blake, and Dan.” Neil smiled. “Renee, Voss, Nicky.”Neil stated. He was really stepping in to his vice captain role  
“Allison, Golaszewski, Neil, and Andrew.” Dan said. “And last but not least: Kevin, Bates, and Matt. Alright let's Go!” Kevin gave a neil a quizzical look at his partners. Neil gave him a knowing look with a hint of mischief. Kevin hated that ginger bastard and his dumb ideas about Kevin’s love life.

Matt and Elizabeth seemed to be waiting for him. They were already deep in conversation seeming to get along swimmingly. Kevin could care less for Elizabeth Bates. She was a good striker but inconsistent. That and her record of emotional outburst led Kevin to in general, dislike the new striker. But he decide he was going to at least try to get along with her. “Hey, Elizabeth right?” He gave her one of his most dazzling smiles. The one that usually got all girls to fall right into his arms. “Umm yeah… actually most people call me Eliza.” she nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and giggled. “Oh sorry...Eliza. What do you want to do first?” She blushed slightly and seemed a little star struck.” oh umm. Whatever you want to do.” she seemed to have trouble finding her words.

Kevin internally rolled his eyes. “Hmm.. well then let's go to the rides first yeah?” He hit her with another shy smile and she immediately nodded along. He never knew how to act around new people, especially people he didn't trust, but for the sake of the team she couldn't start of the season hating him. Kevin knew he was a nasty asshole on the court and knew that most people ended up hating him. He was passionate and outspoken about people's failings. He decided that if he could get Eliza to like him even if it was just because he was “pretty” to look at that was fine. 

He looked up and Matts face surprised him. He looked almost angry. Kevin had never seen that expression before. He gave Matt a quizzical look but Matt just huffed and turned away walking toward the entrance. He didn't understand Matts problem.

They passed a colorful arch and got their neon wristbands. Kevin consulted the map and found the way to the rides. Eliza walked next to him alternating between staring at the attractions and at him. Matt walked slightly behind them. Kevin didn't know why Matt was in such a bad mood, but he didn't want to ask and break the tentative truce they came to. 

The made it to the area with all the roller coasters and loopty loos and swings. They decided to go on a roller coaster first. The line was not to long but they still had a 10 minute wait. “So umm… I hope you don't mind if I ask this but ummm… what was it like playing for the US court.” Eliza asked. Kevin tried to not let his irritation show. He hated to be reminded of the fact that at one point he had it all until… “It was fun. The people were so nice and the community was great. But enough about me what about you where are you-” Kevin didn't get to finish before he heard a squeal and saw a group of girls a little bit further down than them in line push forward.

“OMG your THE Kevin Day! Holy shit!” a girl who didn't look older than 16 squealed as she shoved her phone in his face. Kevins smile turned tight lipped as they pushed past Eliza to get closer. Eliza quickly tried to side step but she knocked into Matt who turned to see what the commotion was. Kevin was surrounded by 4 girls all trying to get a photo of him. “Hi! Ummm, yea if you guys don't mind uhh giving me some space. Uhh I actually am trying to enjoy a day out with my friends.” Kevin quickly tried to nicely tell them to backup but they were unrelenting. 

They kept trying to pull on his arms so that he could take a selfie with him. He was getting more and more annoyed but his PR training stopped him from pushing them away and screaming. He just smiled and hoped it would be over soon. 

“OMG you really did tattoo over you 2. Do you regret that now that you know… he's dead and all?” one of the girls with a polka dot phone case asked him as she tried to touch his tattoo. Before she could though a hand reached out a stopped her. 

“Alright Ladies I think that is enough. You need to backup okay! You got your photo but now you're causing a scene. I don't think you realize how rude your being. Let go of him!” Matt broke into the fray pushing the girl back. Kevin finally looked around to see the others standing in line looking on in shock and disgust at the girls. A couple people were whispering and taking videos and Kevin knew they would be up on line in seconds. His supposed “relaxing” day was ruined.

“Excuse me?!” a girl asked. Matts face seemed to cloud over. “Look you got your photo and everything but you are now harassing him. So back up. You just pushed 5 people and assaulted him to get your photo. You got your photo now leave. You have been nothing but rude and I think Kevin has been very nice considering your immature behavior so just leave us alone or I will call park security okay!” Kevin looked shocked that Matt was saying this and coming to his defense.

Matt looked ready to say more but Kevin just grabbed his arm. Matt looked back. “Just let it go. Lets just leave.” Kevin had already resigned himself to just getting the hell out of there. Matt looked flabbergasted but Kevin just hopped over the metal barricade and started to walk away. It wasn't worth it to him. There were always people like that. Wanting a photo wanting an autograph with no care for what he was doing or what he wanted. It was part of the life and the sooner that kevin had accepted it the quicker he was able to defuse situations and finally get back to what he was doing.

He was just tired and wanted to be alone. He could still feel their hands on him. Coupled with the phantom hands from his past his skin was crawling. “Kevin wait!” he heard Matts voice but didnt stop walking until a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him off to the side behind one of the rides.

He raised his arms up in a defensive manner until he realized it was Matt. Kevin realized he was shaking. He rubbed his hands through his hair and repeated the motion to try and clear his mind. “I need alcohol” he thought to himself. “Kevin. Kevin, hey.” he realized Matt was talking to him. He took stalk of where he was. 

They were behind some building with cheaply painted photos of fish and prizes hanging on the sides. They were standing by the fence surrounding the park. The dead grass crunched under Kevin’s shoes and he could smell funnel cakes. He focused on the feel of the chain link fence behind him to ground him. He saw Eliza behind Matts shoulders standing by the entrance self consciously. 

Matt carefully grabbed him by his hand that was worrying his hair. ‘Hey… Kevin what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call Andrew? What do you want?” Matt spoke softly his eyes were deep with emotion. Kevin couldn't look away. All he could focus on was Matt. His hazel eyes bore into Kevin’s green ones. “Hey?” Matt gently touched his face to get his attention. Kevin tried to shy away from the touch.

“I just… I need… I need space.” Kevi finally managed to get out. “Okay. Do you want me to leave.” Matt started to slowly back away. “NO! Just hold on.” 

Kevin grabbed Matts t-shirt to stop him from leaving. Matt looked at him as if he couldn't figure Kevin out. Kevin let go slowly and sunk to the ground sitting on the grass. It crunched under his weight. The sun beat down on him not to harsh but a nice warm reminder of where he was. 

Kevin started his mantra again. “Your Kevin day. Riko is dead. Your aren't in Evermore anymore.” He heard a noise of concern from Eliza but she quickly looked away to give Matt and Kevin their space. A warm hand landed on his chest. “Breathe. Come on breathe with me.” Matt had crouched down and moved Kevin’s arm to touch his chest. Kevin copied Matts rhythm breathing in and out.

“Good job. Your doing great. Come on just a little bit longer. Keeping breathing your fine. Don't tell me your letting a little thing like that kill the Great Queen kevin day.?” Matt joked lightly. “Fuck off.” Kevin gasped. 

His heartbeat was starting to return to normal but he didn't want Matt’s hand off him. His palm was warm where it touched his chest. Kevin wasn't sure if his heart was beating because of the panic attack or because of Matts proximity. Matt slowly backed away taking his hand off Kevins chest. Kevin reached out and grabbed his arm before he pulled away completely.

Kevin couldn't look him in the eye. “Thank you.” he said quietly. Matt didn't say anything just helped him stand up. Matt left their little alcove and kevin followed. Eliza hesitated as they passed but quickly caught up. She walked beside kevin. 

She looked as if she was having an internal battle of if she should say something or not. She made up her mind. “Hey I’m not going to say anything to anyone… I’m sorry I didn't mean to intrude on your moment but we had to stay as a group... I mean my brother is dating someone who is also you know… look what I’m trying to say is your secrets safe with me and I support it… you don't have to hide… I’m an ally I guess is what I’m getting at.” Kevin gave her a look in annoyance and confusion. 

“I’m going to stop talking now.” kevin tossed the what she was saying around in his mind until he finally understood. His face flushed completely. “You have the wrong idea… we arent...why would you think… what no...I-” she just smiled winked and mimed locking her lips. He groaned and could feel a headache coming on. 

Before he could attempt to enlighten Eliza on what was actually going, he realized they had stopped and something was thrust in his face. He made a comical face as his eyes crossed to see what was being thrust under his nose. He looked up to see Matt handing him a milkshake and avoiding eye contact. Kevin accepted it gingerly and saw Matt hand Eliza a strawberry one. “It's just a milkshake it's not going to kill you Day.” Matt murmured. Kevin couldn't stop staring at it. He was completely baffled. All he could focus on was a green tinted milkshake with chunks of chocolate. He could hear Eliza and Matt talking around him but he couldn't pay attention. He wasn't sure why it bothered so much. It was just a milkshake. But that wasn't true. It was a Mint Chocolate Chip Milkshake.

How did Matt know that Mint Chocolate chip was his favorite?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!!!


	11. Crack and break and part ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp it’s been a while! Whoops! Sorry dudes it’s just been hard for me to find motivation ahhhhh!!!

There was a small list of things that Kevin found joy in anymore, the smell of a old book, feeling the strain of your tired muscles, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. For someone as health conscious as he is, mint chocolate chip was the only thing he regularly stocked his fridge with. It was his one cheat item, a pint of tillamook mint chocolate chip ice cream. 

The taste of the cold ice cream melting on his tongue, blended with the cool taste of mint, and large chunks of chocolate. It was his mom's favorite, what little memories of her that he had mint chocolate chip always played a role. He still had a picture that he keeps in his book, about the history of the Faroe Islands. It’s a picture of him when he was 3 sitting on her shoulders, the both of them making weird faces and licking a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. 

He held those memories he had close to his chest. Even Andrew and Neil didn’t know about his adoration for the frozen treat. He hadn’t had any in months. He’d been so obsessed with dropping his mile time and improving on his footwork that he hadn’t had time to really sit down with his favorite book and dig in. 

He stared at the milkshake with trepidation written all over his face. An inner battle raged in his head over if he should accept it or not. 

Eliza didn’t seem to notice the battle raging inside of him, she quickly scoped out a seat near the booth where the could sit. Kevin looked up to see Matt looking at him slightly nervous. 

“Uhhhh…” Kevin started. “Look I know you're obsessed with fitness and eating healthy but, whenever something bad happens or life seems to kick me in the balls, I don’t know... Ice cream just seems to make everything better.” Matt rushed out. Kevin didn’t know what to say. He closed his mouth and just stared at Matt. Kevin couldn’t figure him out.

“Look if you don’t want it that’s fine, me and Eliza can share it. ” Matt reached as if to take it from Kevin’s hand. Kevin quickly pulled it closer to himself. Matt didn’t say anything just smiled to himself and walked over to where Eliza had found 3 seats surrounding a wobbly teal table. Kevin felt as if he had somehow been tricked, he didn’t know why, but something made him want to spite Matt and his kindness and throw the milkshake in the trash. 

Kevin never knew what to do when people were nice to him. People were only nice when they wanted something. Kevin clenched the plastic cup in his hand as beads of condensation soaked through. Kevin groaned internally he couldn’t figure out this small gesture and, he hated the fact that he couldn’t figure Matt out. He walked over to their table and sat down in a sticky chair that was warm after being in the sun all day. He cast a suspicious look at Matt but Matt didn’t seem to notice he just kept sipping his drink and chatting with Eliza about the workers in funny costumes. 

Noticing that Matt was distracted Kevin took this time to really evaluate Matt. Kevin was unsure of their relationship. Were they friends? Kevin quickly scratched that idea out. Kevin could count his number of friends on one hand. Did Matt want to be his friend? Hell Kevin was downright mean to Matt most days and on the others he barely gave him the time of day. But Kevin had to admit they did have their moments the first year Kevin moved to palmetto Matt was one of the only ones who really backed Kevin up and seemed to listen to him without immediately attacking whatever he said. Maybe in another life they could have been friends, Kevin thought. Matt was carefree and seemed to laugh a lot. He was always looking out for others and making sure that his friends were okay. Matt also knew how to have fun. Kevin heard him taking breaks and cooking and playing video games. He also was loyal. He was in constant contact FaceTiming his mom and Grandma and cousins. Maybe in another life they would meet on the field share laughs over simple mistakes, stay up late playing video games, drive down the country roads blaring music and living life. But this was real life where maybes don’t exist. In this life Kevin is mean. Kevin is too broken to ever be able to really trust anyone or let down his walls. Kevin just sighed. He itched for something to do. He considered his milkshake and finally took a sip. It was nice and cool against his throat. He finally fell back into the conversation.

“I’m just saying that people are so quick to forgive Jay-z! I mean thousands of people still bought his album and his songs, which mind you, were talking about him cheating on his wife, made the top 10.” Eliza’s was dramatically punctuating each word with a violent swirl of her drink

“I agree with you but what does that mean about Beyoncé. She’s clearly okay with their relationship now I mean… I think she would have stopped him from releasing the songs if she wasn’t okay with what he wrote.” Matt added. “Well what do you think?” Eliza looked at Kevin expectantly “I don’t really know… I’m not really in tune with all the celebrity drama. I never had time before, and I don’t have time now.” Kevin pushed his hair back self consciously and checked his watch. When were they meeting up for lunch again. 

“Oh yea… you were in the nest right?” Eliza said softy. Kevin scoffed. “And? The nest isn’t some dungeon where I was tied up with shackles and abused. Honestly, the rumors are grossly over exaggerated.” Kevin tried to squash the feeling climbing up his throat. “The worst that happened was light hazing. We weren’t slaves.” Kevin added defensively. He didn’t even know why he was trying to defend the nest. It was just an instinct so deeply engraved in him. 

He felt like a bug under a microscope. As if every single action was watched and monitored. It was the Exy worlds biggest scandal, and Kevin just wanted it to blow over. Eliza looked uncomfortable in her chair. She kept shifting and staring at the stained metal where the paint was chipping. She looked up at Matt. Kevin ignored Matt’s gaze and pulled his arms closer to his sides. He looked out into the crowd of unfamiliar faces, wanting to look somewhere besides his current companions.He looked at the man instructing parrots to land in peoples hands, the man making balloon animals, and the bored teenagers working at a burger stand with 5 fans blowing the smell of grease and fries throughout the courtyard. 

“Stop staring at me like that.” He didn’t turn to look but, he knew that Matt was looking at him with his trademark concerned look. It just ended up pissing Kevin off more. “I’m not…” Kevin finally turned and looked at Matt. “Your milkshake is melting.” Kevin stared at him for a half a second longer before looking down at the milkshakes. They collapsed in silence, with Elyza quickly going to her phone to seem busy. Her face was covered in red splotches.

It made Kevin feel guilty. He cleared his throat, “Are you hungry?” She looked up sharply. She nodded hesitantly. He got up, levering himself on the table. The metal was warm and rough, after years and years of intense weathering. His shoes crunched under the ground up dirt, as he made his way over to the burger shack called the ‘Happy Cow’ where the workers wore quirky cow hats. He reached into his back pocket, feeling around for the worn leather of his wallet. 

“Hi my name is Emily, hope you have a moo-tiful day! Can I take your ord…” Kevin looked up with an arched eyebrow as the teens face turned red and she got flustered. 

Now Kevin knew he was hot okay. He knew, that if he turned his head the right way, his green eyes would be brighter and his jawline would look sharper. He knew the right way to lean into people's space, and how to open his chest so that his collarbones would peak out of his shirt. He also learned how to slowly lift up his shirt and wipe fake sweat off his forehead.

The day he turned 13 he no longer became a cute little kid. He became the teenage celebrity crush. With women kissing his cheek and shoving their boobs into his face. Girls and boys had posters of him shirtless in their rooms. He knew how to own his body and he knew how to work his body to get what he wanted. Riko was very clear that his body wasn’t his, and that Riko would sell it to the highest bidder if that meant that Riko could get what he wanted. It was a common joke among the ravens, if the teacher didn’t give them an extension, or the dealership wouldn’t give them the newest car model. “Just have Kevin take off his shirt and they will give you what you want.” He had gotten used to manipulating people by using his looks. 

He smiled, tilted his head to the side, and looked down and then up, as if he was self conscious. Thea always told him that it made him look like an adorable puppy you just wanted to hug. He chuckled slightly and leaned closer, letting his cologne waft over to the girl working the cash register. 

The worker, Emily, wasn’t ugly. she had cute sand colored hair and tan skin. She had a pretty upturned nose and golden eyes. She looked like the girl next door who would sing along to old records, put flowers in her hair, and ride a bike with a basket in the front “ I like the hat it’s… cute.” He reached up and touched the fake cow ear, flexing as he pulled back. Emily seemed flustered. Her face went completely pink. Kevin wondered for a minute how far the blush went. He quickly stopped himself. He looked behind him to the menu hanging on the wall written in chalk with pictures of farms and cheese doodles in the corners. 

“Can I get 2 orders of your curly fries?” He smiled flashing his teeth. Emily didn’t say anything for a minute. Kevin lifted a brow. “ umm… is that all?” Her voice squeaked. Kevin leaned slightly on the counter “I’m not sure yet?” He looked Emily up and down. From her faded red apron, with a little pocket, on top of her blue T-shirt, light washed jeans, and beat up yellow high tops. “Uh.. $2… $2.75 please” her voice petered off into a whisper. Kevin flipped open his wallet and pulled out a ten dollar bill. “Keep the change” 

He slowly put his wallet in his back pocket, lifting up part of his shirt while he did it, letting his V line show slightly. He caught the cashiers eyes float down. Kevin smirked. A warm hand grabbed his arm and pulled him to the pick up section by the end of the counter. 

“Are you serious right now Kev?!” Matt whispered angrily. Kevin rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about Matthew?”Kevin turned to face Matt who’s eyebrows were touching his hairline. 

“What am I talking about? The inappropriate show you just put on for half of the customers and their children. Kevin rolled his eyes. “Inappropriate? It’s called flirting. Look I get when you and Dan met, and the sky opened and birds started circling and you decided to get married right then on the spot it was easy, but for the rest of us we have to actually try to get people to like us. Also it’s harmless and the girl pretty much gave us 80% off on our order so.. I don’t see the problem.” He didn’t see the big deal.

“oh great your not just flirting your using her.” Matt shook his head in disbelief. He didn’t have time to respond because Emily was back with two overflowing baskets of curly fries with salt on top and ketchup on the side. Kevin turned back on his smile and cocked his hips forward. He grabbed the basket making sure to grab, ‘what was her name?’ Kevin wondered, ‘Elise’, ‘Este’, ‘Emma’ Kevin decided on Emma. 

He grabbed the basket his finger dipping slightly in the ketchup. “Oh whoops” he put his thumb in his mouth sucking on it slightly swirling his tongue around the tip of his finger. By now her face was as red as a tomato and her mouth was hanging open. “And that’s enough of that. Thank you” Matt grabbed the two baskets and marched off to their seats. Kevin was flabbergasted he rolled his eyes and followed after matt. “Excuse me?” Matt ignored him. Kevin was getting pissed. ‘What the fuck is Matt’s problem’ Kevin thought to himself. Matt kept ignoring him. It just pissed Kevin off even more. Matt was acting like some possessive boyfriend. Why the hell did he care if Kevin was flirting with some random stranger. Kevin grabbed his shoulder. “Dude What the fuck is your problem. Your not my boyfriend, hell your not even my friend. Why the fuck do you care so much that I was trying to get some cute girls number?!” Matt’s face looked angry as he turned around to loom over Kevin.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update regularly but no promises.  
> come find me on tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/andyroominyard


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